Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, HAVE YOU BEEN PAYING ATTENTION TO THE ANTHONY WEINER SCANDAL?
Herm: I FAX PICTURES OF MY PENIS.
Jon: THAT’S SOME GOOD THINKING, HERM. WE GOT NY1’S ERROL LOUIS TO EXPLAIN THIS NEW YORK MAYOR’S RACE TO US. ERROL, HOW YA DOIN’?
Errol: I’m doing well, Jon.
Jon: SO THIS ANTHONY WEINER, I CALL HIM MIKE TOMCZAK BECAUSE HE’S JUST NOT AS GOOD AS BRETT FAVRE. IT’S ONE THING TO SEND A DICK PICTURE TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW BUT HE SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN SENDING THEM TO STRANGERS.
Herm: YOU HAVE TO THROW TO YOUR OWN RECEIVERS.
Errol: Well, Weiner certainly has been reckless in sending pictures of his penis to women. I think that’s what turns off voters more than anything. They can abide infidelity but this scandal makes him look more hubristic and stupid than anything.
Jon: I HEAR YA, DOESN’T MATTER THAT SEAN PAYTON’S FUCKED EVERYTHING IN A SHORT SKIRT FROM BILOXI TO SHREVEPORT. WHEN YOU’RE A REAL GRUDEN GRINDER IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU CAN’T KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS.
Herm: SUPER BOWL CHAMPION BILL CLINTON.
Errol: Well, the Clintons are pressuring Weiner to drop out. First of all, the fact that his wife worked for Hillary can tarnish their image.
Jon: I HEAR YA, THAT’S WHY I DON’T LIKE PEOPLE KNOWING THAT BILL CALLAHAN USED TO BE MY ASSISTANT.
Errol: And second of all, it brings back memories of Bill’s infidelities, something that they don’t want fresh in voters’ minds.
Jon: WELL LEMME TELL YA, THAT’S JUST AS MUCH A PART OF THE BIG DOG’S LEGACY AS LOW UNEMPLOYMENT, A BALANCED BUDGET AND THE PACKERS’ SUPER BOWL RUN. WHAT I GOTTA ASK IS HOW WEINER IS TOAST WHILE MARK SANFORD GOT HIS JOB BACK.
Errol: The most salacious details about Mark Sanford came out after he had already made it through the primary and a runoff. Weiner faces three credible opponents in the Democratic primary in Christine Quinn, William Thompson and Bill de Blasio.
Jon: THIS DE BLASIO I CALL HIM CHIP KELLY BECAUSE HE’S ONE OF THE MOST PROGRESSIVE MINDS OUT THERE.
Herm: THE EAGLES WANT TO INCREASE AFFORDABLE HOUSING.
Errol: I agree – de Blasio is probably the purest progressive candidate. Quinn has ties to Bloomberg, Thompson has ties to developers and Weiner’s positions change as is expedient for him.
Jon: WELL SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA ADAPT. WEINER’S OPPONENTS MIGHT BE THROWING HIM SOME TAMPA 2 LOOKS SO HE HAS TO COMPENSATE BY DRAFTING A PASS-CATCHING TIGHT END AND WORKING ON HIS PLAY ACTION.
Errol. Umm, err, Weiner’s candidacy hurt de Blasio more than anyone because de Blasio had the best shot of being the anti-Quinn in the runoff.
Jon: WELL NOBODY’S MORE ANTI-QUINN THAN ME. THIS BRADY, I CALL HIM FOUNTAIN PEN BECAUSE HE’S A MESS IN THE POCKET.
Errol: I’m afraid you’ve lost me.
Jon: THAT’S OK BECAUSE WE’RE OUT OF TIME ON GRUDEN TALK. PLAY US OFF, HERM EDWARDS 7.
Herm: TIME TO GET BACK IN THE NEW YORK GROOVE, BAND!