Like most intelligent people I do a fairly heavy amount of gambling during the NFL preseason. If you’re a serious NFL fan like I am, you probably have already laid your action down but I thought Id help out some of you squares out there make some extra coin at the sportsbook. This is by far the easiest week of the year to absolutely break the bank, as Vegas is pretty much in a panic mode knowing that the sharpsharks like me smell blood in the water so take notes folks. My strongpicks are in CAPITAL LETTERS for #CAPSLOCKS
WASHINGTON at Tennessee(-1.5)
I call this game “the battle of whose fans think the Redskins should change their name the least.” LOVE Kirk Cousins + the Skins in this one. I also call this game “The Barbeque Bowl” because youve got piles of meat from Nashville about to get smoked by KC Masterpiece. Cousins taking names and leading the charge for Washington against whichever members of the Titans WRs dont get arrested overnight for hitting a pregnant woman with a bottle of Cook’s. I like the Foreskins to cover.
Baltimore at TAMPA BAY(-3)
I dont care what the lines for this game are, double it and Id still take TB at -6. Schiano plays through the “e” in “whistle” so you know hes playing at the “P” in Preseason folks. In this game the starters play barely at all which heavily favors Tampa Bay.
CINCINNATI at Atlanta-3
Working inside a HomeDepot center is actually how 3/4 of folks from Ohio make there money so the Bengals will travel well here. Hard Knocks is also making the journey and Im psyched to see how its even possible for James Harrison to spend $500k per year on massages without all those terrible towels around to clean up what you have to imagine are sperms that could put up 14 sacks apiece in the AFC west.
St. Louis at CLEVELAND(-4)
With their full offseason of drug arrests the Rams are more like the gRams so theyll be distracted by a city where 2/3rs of their after-tax wages end up being smoked out of black+milds next to some bridge. If Tavon Austin learns to identify what timezone hes in much less the WR packages he could be a factor out there, but the learning curve is pretty steep which is a new feeling for a guy who learned to read and socialize in West Virginia. Cleveland is a city that no one should ever visit without a team of professional athletes surrounding you for safety so you’ve got to admire Jeff Fishers preperation.
Denver at SAN FRANCISCO(-3)
The 49ers are being very careful with Marcus Lattimores health and not letting him do things like play football, while Jon Fox will somehow be even more conservative then usual so I take the under and the 9ers. After spending most of the offseason nude College Kapernicks going to be a shell of himself in pads but Consumate Professional Colt McCoys going to be “the real deal.” Im giving the nod to Jim “Baugh-so-Har” to win the pregame speech, the halftime adjustments, and the postgame handshake over surferboy Pete Carrol, plus people forget that the 49ers have like 20 kids fresh out of college fighting for like 2 jobs,, welcome to todays economy I guess.
Seattle-2 at SAN DIEGO
Theres absolutely nothing to not love about the Chargers in this one. First of all I expect Ryan Mathews to get a high ankle sprain in the 2nd series opening the door for preseason worker bee Danny Woodhead. “Newsboy” Woodhead says “Extree extree, Fahget about da Cee Bee Ay. I plays a twenty game seazin evrey year and I likes it.” Charlie Whitehursts either itching from pubic lice on his soul patch, or itching to get back on the field and stick it to his old team but either way hes motivated. Any way you slice it you’ve got the makings of a old-school blowout.