The NFL announced a $10 million dollar reward earlier this month for the innovator who can improve the shock-absorbing material used in football helmets in an effort improve player safety. Since player safety is important (as is our desire to have $10 million dollars), I spent some time in the lab working on helmet design and came up with the following list.
Cons: Many pomeranians will perish.
Pros: Big and fluffy, plentiful, many pomeranians will perish.
Pros: Volvo’s reputation was built on its safety record in high-impact crashes, a natural fit for an endorsement deal for Tom Brady and his beautiful family.
Cons: May alienate fans in Detroit.
3) Black Boxes
Pros: Small recording devices in helmets could be useful when pinpointing moment of culpability in future medical claims, supposedly indestructible.
Cons: This is a pretty hacky joke.
4) Diving Bells
Pros: So heavy, linebackers less likely to rush quarterbacks at full-speed.
Cons: So heavy, players unlikely to make it through four quarters of action; hard to hear snap count.
Pros: One of the hardest substances on the planet, fashionable for players while also serving as an investment in their retirement fund.
Cons: Hard to find large enough diamonds, DeBeers much more powerful cartel than NFL, no way Mike Brown or Ralph Wilson willing to spend so much money on player safety, possible increase in sunburns. Terrell Owens continues his NFL comeback attempts into his seventies.
6) Ben Roethlisberger
Pro: Somehow he’s still alive.
Con: Somehow he’s still alive.
Pros: Wear enough pairs, nothing is getting through their layers of tightly woven nylon; cellulite, extra three pounds of wine bloat, crown of the helmet hits. Popular with both the every-woman and celebrities, will appeal to females fans still stinging over Pursegate.
Cons: Sex appeal of players plummets 96% percent, remaining 4% cannot get through to actually have sexual relations.
8) The NRA’s Reputation
Pros: Endless negative news cycles unable to break through stranglehold on policy decisions, unpopular players will not want to challenge popular players wrapped in the NRA.
Cons: Ted Nugent.
9) Keith Olbermann’s Hair
Pros: Immovable, stylish in an old white guy fashion. Jimmy Johnson could fill in if Olbermann unavailable. (Who are we kidding, of course Olbermann is available.)
Con: Finding volunteers to sheer Olbermann ever two to three weeks.
10) The California Housing Market
Pros: Nearly impossible to break into in areas able sustain football teams, San Francisco, Oakland, San Diego and Los Angeles (USC to be part of college pilot program on helmet safety).
Cons: Teams in snow belt states will grow tired of hearing how great living in California is compared their homes, earthquake insurance void on Andy Reid coached teams.
11) The NFL Anti-Celebration Rules
Pros: Absolutely cannot be broken under any circumstance.*
Cons: *The Lambeau Leap exception will end the careers of every player in Green Bay on their first tackle.
12) Milwaukee’s Best Cans
Pros: Already proven impervious to acid-strength beer, never ending supply available from NCAA using the same established track as players.
Cons: Will hurt plans to expand to London as even lower-class Brits would not associate with such awful American beer.
13) Barrister Wigs
Pros: Players look smarter, helps London fans feel at home with American football.
Cons: Wigs are often decades old and rarely cleaned, gives New England Patriots unwelcome edge, will confuse Americans who have never watched “Law & Order: London” on BBC America.
Pros: Harder than diamonds, brownish sheen good for matte helmet finishes.
Cons: Only formed when meteorites hit the earth, may not actually have enough to outfit entire league.
15) IKEA Self-assembly
Pros: Relatively inexpensive, equipment manager can bring back Swedish meatballs for lunch.
Cons: Will instant regret purchase when faced with a Pottery Barn helmet.
16) Fitted Sheets
Pros: NFL already has licensing deals in place with bedding manufactures, balled up mess of fitted sheets intimidating to both rookies and veterans.
Cons: Shrinking issues during games played in the rain, elastic could possibly give out by Week 12.
17) Copies of Finnegans Wake
Pros: One of the densest creations known to man, anyone aside of scholars claiming to get through the material is a liar.
Cons: Titan’s quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick and Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett will both claim to have studied the material in college, leading to Pay-For-Papers-Gate during the 2015 season.
18) Grape Nuts
Pros: Rock hard, potential energy source for players needing extra carbohydrates in the third quarter.
Cons: Increased costs to league dental plans.
Pros: Layers upon layers of protection, no one has ever successfully reached middle of one within four hours.
Cons: Inner layers known to melt in the sun, attracts small children and ants.
20) Dan Snyder’s Ego
Pros: Nearly impenetrable, would surround a good two to three feet around a player’s head.
Cons: Comes adorned with undesirable logo, attracts Tom Cruise-types.
Pros: Incredibly difficult to defeat, hard outer shell, shoots fire at those who approach.
Cons: Weak tail defense (a concern for players with mullets, dread locks or just plain old long hair), always babbling on about Princess Peach.