After one week we have suspicions harbor suspicions (the Steelers may be poopy). After two weeks we have more information to go on (the Steelers are most likely poopy). Give us one more week of data and we’ll be able to draw dangerously certain conclusions (the Steelers are totally f*cking poopy). But for now we have two weeks of information to go on. We’ve learned a lot in that time. Some of it doesn’t even involve the Steelers and their relative level of…well you know.
When picking games it’s important to learn as you go, but also important to not read TOO MUCH into what you think you know. I’m pretty sure this is what James Baldwin was getting at in “A Talk to Teachers”. So after two weeks let’s examine this new sh*t that’s come to light, and try to extrapolate what’s real and what’s a product of the batsh*t crazy NFL we love so much.
1. The Tennessee Titans are an above average football team (confidence level: Low)
Mike Munchak is 2-0 (against the spread)! His best offensive players are horribly volatile and shouldn’t be trusted by any means.
2. The Oakland Raiders will finish over .500 against the spread (confidence level: High)
My guys! More on them later.
3. The Kansas City Chiefs are this year’s worst-to-first team. (confidence level: Low)
The AFC West might be good. And not in an “Andy Reid is a good coach” kind of way. I mean, like, actually good.
4. The Redskins suck (confidence level: Medium)
I just…I can’t. [Ed. note: don’t worry, we’d rather you didn’t]
Last Week: 1-3
Home Dog of the Week
Cincinnati Bengals +3 vs. Green Bay Packers
I don’t even care, I just want to watch this game. So why the hell isn’t it on in primetime? Nobody wants to watch Chicago and Pittsburgh. God damn it, NBC. Do something right to make up for these James Spader commercials.
Road Dog of the Week
Oakland Raiders +15 at Denver Broncos
I’m rolling with the Raiders until they prove me wrong. Sure, they made things closer than they needed to be against the worst team in the AFC, but that doesn’t mean that they can’t stick with the best team in the AFC, right? RIGHT? Oh fuck, it. Go Raiders.
/covers body in spikes
//covers spikes in knives
///covers knives in BIGGER knives
Other Road Dog of the Week
Atlanta Falcons +3 at Miami Dolphins
Hey, the Dolphins don’t suck. They don’t suck so much that they’re giving points against a team that wins 13 games every year. The Dolphins don’t not suck that much.
Other other Road Dog of the Week
Buffalo Bills +3 at New York Jets
Two of the more unlikely 2-0 ATS teams going head to head. Always go with the team that is getting points in this situation, even if they are on the road, and especially if they aren’t the Jets.
Literal Dog of the Week
Holy shit, that dog looks like that Russian guy who really likes that Syrian guy who everyone else hates. I’ve been listening to NPR.
Fantasy Matchup of the Week
I will let Tanner explain this week’s entry.
My friends and I do a themed fantasy football league each year, where the previous year’s winner gets to pick the theme (usually a movie from our collective childhoods, as the past two have been Back To The Future and Ghostbusters). This year it’s Spaceballs.
I swear most of us aren’t virgins.
I think I like this idea. But only if somebody named their team I’m Surrounded By Assholes
Pro Tip of the Week
Try as I might, I’m probably not going to be able to help you make any money. However, I can offer tips that will help you out in other walks of life. It could be a recommendation on something to read, advice on lighting for your home, something useful I learned on the internet, or, more likely, something about food.
Do not get sucked in to Twitter conversations that have anything at all to do with the name of Washington’s football team. Here is a list of alternative online activities to occupy your time, because it’s list day, apparently.
1. Read every other Rick Reilly column just in case he’s been leaning on that “kind of like a reservation” line the same way he does with tooth jokes.
2. Leave Yelp reviews complaining about the lack of fresh and healthy menu options at Burger King.
3. Edit the Wikipedia entry for Caddyshack II, because the current one doesn’t do the film justice.
Send me an email if you would like to submit a Fantasy Matchup or a Pro Tip for future consideration.