Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY. DURING FOOTBALL SEASON WE’RE GOING TO BE A BIWEEKLY SHOW SO I CAN SPEND MORE TIME GRINDING TAPE! BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SPEND YOUR WEEKS OFF?
Herm: I’M GOING TO SPEND MY TIME OFF PUTTING BATTERIES IN THE FREEZER.
Jon: OF COURSE YOU ARE, YA BIG DUMMY. ANYWAY, WE GOT BRIAN KATULIS HERE FROM THE CENTER FOR AMERICAN PROGRESS TO TALK ABOUT SYRIA. BRIAN, HOW YA DOIN’?
Brian: I’m doing well, Jon.
Jon: GOOD TO HEAR IT. NOW BRIAN, TELL ME WHAT’S GOING ON IN SYRIA.
Brian: Well it appears that the Obama administration has cut a deal with Syria and Russia wherein the U.S. abstains from a cruise missile strike if Syria destroys its chemical weapons.
Jon: ALWAYS A GOOD IDEA TO CUT A DEAL TO AVOID A WAR. I WOULD’VE HAD TO DO DOUGHNUTS ON AL DAVIS’S LAWN UNLESS HE TRADED ME TO THE BUCS.
Herm: I LIT A BAG OF POO ON FIRE ON WOODY JOHNSON’S FRONT STOOP.
Brian: It’s a real big break for the Obama Administration because it looked like it was either going to lose a war authorization vote in Congress or drag the U.S. into a Syrian civil war.
Jon: LEMME TELL YA, YOU DO NOT WANT TO GET INVOLVED IN A CIVIL WAR. THAT’S WHY YOU LET KEVIN GILBRIDE PUNCH BUDDY RYAN WITHOUT INTERVENING.
Herm: THE RYAN BROTHERS ARE ALAWITES.
Brian: The worst possible outcome would have been this turning into a proxy war between the U.S. and Russia. Thankfully, Russia wants Syria to stop using chemical weapons as it burnishes its image before the Winter Olympics.
Jon: THIS RUSSIA, I CALL IT MITT ROMNEY BECAUSE IT WANTS TO SEEM LIKE A NICE GUY WHO RUNS A GOOD WINTER OLYMPICS EVEN THOUGH IT HATES GAYS AND EXISTS ONLY TO ENRICH BILLIONAIRES.
Brian: And Russia realized that Obama really didn’t want to get involved in Syria. He talked tough on chemical weapons and had to back it up. To everyone involved, giving up chemical weapons in exchange for the U.S. not getting involved is a win-win scenario.
Jon: YOU MIGHT THINK IT’S WIN-WIN NOW BUT IT MIGHT NOT WORK OUT IN THE END. LEMME TELL YA, I’D HAVE RATHER HAD SHAUN ELLIS AND ANTHONY BECHT INSTEAD OF KEYSHAWN JOHNSON WHEN I WAS IN TAMPA BAY.
Herm: KANSAS CITY WISHES IT HAD LEON WASHINGTON INSTEAD OF ME.
Brian: Right, we don’t know if this deal will work out as everyone intended. But the U.S. has little to lose from it from a realpolitik standpoint. If the deal goes through the Obama Administration scored a major win, even if it was by accident.
Jon: YOU SPEND ENOUGH TIME IN THIS LEAGUE AND YOU LEARN TO TAKE THE WINS THAT YOU GET ON ACCIDENT. I DIDN’T PLAN ON DONOVAN MCNABB THROWING DIRECTLY TO RONDE BARBER BUT I’LL STILL TAKE THAT WIN ANY DAY OF THE WEEK.
Herm: I OWE MY CAREER TO NATE KAEDING.
Brian: I’m sorry, what are we talking about?
Jon: IT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE THAT’S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR GRUDEN TALK. PLAY US OFF HERM EDWARDS 7!
Herm: WE MIGHT NOT BE SENDING CRUISE MISSILES BUT WE’RE CRUISIN’ TOGETHER ON 3!