1. The Observation
Holy shit, what is this? Are you serious McDonald’s? There are roughly 75 barbecue joints within a two mile radius of everyone here in Kansas City, and you really felt the need to roll this out? Don’t you know my arteries are already clogged with rally sauce? It sure does look awesome though, doesn’t it? Should one person eat the entire thing? Does it come with a Chiefs car flag?
2. The Hypothesis
I bet I can eat the whole thing during a Chiefs game.
3. The Prediction
A few weeks ago I wolfed down eight hot dogs at a baseball game. Am I proud of that? A little. Does that make me an idiot? Probably. But at least I’m an idiot who’s knowledgeable about the size of his stomach. So do I have any qualms about driving to a participating Kansas City area McDonald’s, shelling out $14.99 for a heart attack box, and trying to finish the entire thing before the Chiefs game ends? Knowing full well that I’ll probably require CPR afterward? Not a single one.
4. The Test
Like any good scientist, I took detailed notes during the “experiment”. Here’s how it went down:
11:15 – Off to McDonalds.
11:25 – Kid behind the register is eating a PBJ. Even he’s smart enough to know that processed chicken and cow hooves are unhealthy. Order a Blitz Box anyway.
11:27 – It DOES come with a car flag! And a warning label! (For the flag, not the food. Of course.)
11:29 – That’s one big ass box. There’s no way I finish the entire thing.
11:30 – Consider Redbox-ing GTA V to burn off some calories at halftime. If you’re wondering whether or not my generation is fucked, I can’t offer an argument against that right now.
11:32 – Resist the urge to put the flag on my car. Head home.
11:40 – Home. Put on eating pants
11:41 – Trying to figure out how to approach this. Decide to, despite it probably constituting cheating, go ahead and polish off the first quarter pounder and fries before the game. In the best interest of the food. The fries will probably get cold pretty quick.
11:42 – Load up a plate and leave the rest of the food in the kitchen. Forcing myself to get up and walk every so often is probably a good idea.
11:43 – Fries are cold.
11:47 – Halfway through the first QP and most of the first box of fries. Thinking maybe I can do this after all!
11:48 – Oh no, a Bill Swerski commercial during the CBS pregame show. Probably not a good sign of things to come.
11:50 – Slowing down to a near halt, but finish off the first QP and a box of fries. Grab a handful of fries from the next box.
11:51 – Sweating.
11:52 – First Tums of the day.
11:55 – Consider diving into the nuggets. This is a terrible idea.
11:57 – First nugget. Fuck it. #YOLO
12:01 – Hear DMX music, think I’m hallucinating. Forgot the Chiefs game was on FOX. Watch the intro to “Romeo Must Die” on CBS anyway.
12:03 – Switch to FOX. More nuggets.
12:08 – Chiefs forced to punt. A penalty pins Giants back in their own territory. I imagine my colon having the voice of Tom Coughlin. He’s pissed.
12:09 – Ignore redassed (HA!) colon. Eat a few more nuggets.
12:12 – Head to kitchen to grab some water. Smells like cold, hardening McDonalds. Fight off the urge to vomit.
12:16 – Oh hey, look. The Chiefs have the ball back. The game has become a tertiary thing at this point, right after 1) eating and 2) not shitting pants.
12:18 – Want to die.
12:19 – Dwayne Bowe with a catch. They point out it’s his seventh season in the league. I feel old. Realize I just turned 30 earlier this week and have nothing better to do on a Sunday than attempt to consume 2,900 calories in three hours.
12:20 – Giants block a punt and I keep ingesting now-cold nuggets. There’s a flag on the play. I fever dream Coughlin and my colon both yelling “Aw, fuck off” at the same time.
12:25 – The Giants offensive line is dogshit. Starting to think Eli is poised to have a worse afternoon than I am.
12:28 – I think the last nugget had a tendon in it. Suddenly Eli’s day isn’t looking so bad.
12:30 – Looks like Dustin Colquitt might be injured. Placekicker Ryan Succop would be next in line to take over punting duties. I wonder what happens if he gets knocked out too? A CHASEDANIELPUNT.gif might break the Internet.
12:31 – Notice the Matt Cassel led Vikings are up 10-0 on Pittsburgh. Now I’m REALLY concerned I’m hallucinating.
12:35 – Catch a glimpse of Sean McGrath’s beard. It’s so inspiring, I decide to power through. Finish first box of nuggets as the clock winds down on the first quarter. Halfway there.
12:38 – Chiefs score on a TD pass to McGrath. I jump out of the chair and my heart starts beating the to the rhythm of the bass line in “Super Freak”. Decide it’s time to take a break on the food.
12:43 – Victor Cruz with a 69 yard TD reception. I imagine myself running 69 yards right now. I don’t finish.
12:58 – I’m not doing well.
1:01 – Haven’t moved in twenty minutes, so I figure it’s time to make an eating game out of this. I’ll bust out the next quarter pounder when Eli or David Wilson fumble.
1:02 – Fuck me.
1:05 – There are varying levels of sadness. But “watching your QB (Alex Smith, this time) fumble-derp while forcing down a cold McDonalds hamburger” is one I’ve never felt before.
1:09 – Eli sacked again. Poor guy.
/Chokes down another bite of quarter pounder
//Recants previous statement
1:13 – McGrath with another catch. He’s quickly becoming the secret weapon in Andy Reid’s latest West Coast offense build. Also, cold McDonald’s hamburgers taste like the smell of a dirty bath towel.
1:16 – Swerski’s back. I’m considering calling State Farm to get a quote on life insurance.
1:19 – I’ve eaten two quarter pounders, a medium size fries, ten chicken McNuggets and two containers of ranch dressing today. Yet I’d much rather do that again than try the new pizza Papa John and Peyton are hocking.
1:21 – 10-7 Chiefs. I just sprawled out on the floor.
1:28 – Giants call a timeout to set up a field goal. Uncomfortable doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel. On one hand, I want to see if KC can go into halftime with the lead. On the other hand, I’m crowning.
1:29 – “Josh Brown narrowly misses a field goal” is my new euphemism for making it to the bathroom on time.
1:30 – Halftime. I need to reevaluate a few things, life-wise.
1:45 – Third quarter is starting. I’ve got thirty minutes of football to finish ten nuggets and a second box of fries. But everything is deathly cold now, so I’m gonna have to use the microwave. Send prayers.
1:54 – McGrath with another catch, snapping me out of my food coma. I bet his beard smells like John Wayne’s den.
1:57 – Smith throws his first INT of the season. Sucks, but through four games last season Cassel had thrown seven picks. Enjoy him, Minnesota.
2:04 – Colquitt’s back. Sounds like it’s his second punt since he got hurt earlier? I must have lost consciousness during the first one.
2:19 – It’s getting hard to move. Both teams are having trouble moving the ball and I’m having trouble keeping my eyes open.
2:25 – “There’s Big Red throwing Little Red,” one of the FOX announces cackles, as the other completely loses his shit on air. Oh, so I see I’ve died and gone to hell.
2:27 – Dexter McCluster returns a punt for a touchdown, then does the Victor Cruz salsa dance in the end zone. At least there’s trolling in the afterlife.
2:35 – End of the 3rd quarter. It’s been over an hour since I’ve eaten anything. Now or never, I guess.
2:37 – Putting McNuggets into the microwave is a new personal low.
2:38 – [Cringing] The McNugget breading looks like a peeling sunburn now.
2:39 – TASTES LIKE IT TOO!
2:42 – I can hear the sodium deposits collecting in my arteries.
2:44 – Just ate a second microwaved McNugget, which probably qualifies me as a sociopath.
2:45 – Tapping out. Final tally: Two quarter pounders, twelve McNuggets, a medium fries, half a gallon of water, three Tums, and heartburn. So much heartburn.
2:47 – I don’t think I qualify as “functional” right now. Seriously, they should put a warning or something on that Blitz Box. This thing was probably meant to be shared.
2:48 – Oh.
2:52 – [Returns from bathroom] Well look at that, the Chiefs are moving again! Might just go to 4-0 after that tire fire of a season last year. Just too bad that, thanks to McDonald’s, none of their fans will live to see the Super Bowl.
3:06 – Chiefs 31, Giants 7. As a Kansas City fan, I gotta admit: I feel pretty good right now. That’ll change once the, er, storm rolls in later tonight. Walter White might have a more comfortable evening than I do.
It is physically impossible for someone* to consume 2,900 calories worth of McDonalds during a football game. And I need to take a nap.
*Prove me wrong, Dontari Poe.