Jim: Do you guys know what we’re doing here?
Mike: No idea, Goodell just told us to be here for a mandatory meeting.
Leslie: I just wish this could have happened during the bye week.
Marc: This never happened in the CFL.
[DOOR FLIES OPEN]
Tice: It’s Tice Time, motherfuckers!
Tice: Last I checked the NFL was a nonprofit. That means giving you fucks midseason grades means I’m 2 hours closer to fulfilling the community service requirements of the district court of Anoka County, Minnesota.
Mike: What did you do?
Tice: Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop. Anyway, let’s make this brief because there’s an Indian casino up the Thruway. You guys gotta sign my sheet and say I was here for 30 hours today though.
Leslie: I can’t sign something like that in good conscience.
Tice: Fine, then you’re the first to get a grade. Leslie, the Vikings are dogshit. At least you got Adrian Peterson to work with, all I had was Onterrio Smith. Onterrio was a good guy, by the way. Couldn’t count on him for clean urine, but I had a bunch of Serbian dudes who could take care of that for me. Anyway, you get a D+. Or as I used to call it, not an F, mom.
Marc: What authority do you have here?
Tice: Big words from a Canadian. Hey, I got a question for you. Why do books cost less up there? I could’ve saved a few bucks if I bought Ted Nugent’s autobiography in Onterrio.
Marc: I’m not a Canadian but that’s the exchange rate.
Tice: Since you’re the expert how much of that Canadian toilet money will my Skoal points buy? They sure as hell don’t take them at the local titty bar. They got a free hot buffet but they got no use for a Skoal-embroidered Starter jacket. Anyway, you’re doing a decent job on Lovie Smith mop-up duty so I’ll give you a B-. With grades like that you’re a shoo-in for SUNY-Binghamton.
Mike: What effect do these grades have?
Tice: Oh, I don’t know, Mike. Hey, that’s funny, we got the same first name. I gotta say, my favorite Mike is still Mike O’Malley. Sad how sports books wouldn’t take bets on GUTS. I always figured the girls who had boobs already would have trouble on the Aggro-crag. Anyway, you get a B because you should be better than 5-3 with that Rodgers kid. Those discount double-check ads are the funniest thing on TV since Charlie Sheen left Two and a Half Men.
Jim: OK, so what’s my grade?
Tice: Saved the best for last ya Jew bastard. Just kidding, I love the Jews. Sage Rosenfels was a stand-up guy. But yeah, you know that I endorse anyone whose last name is Bush and that Stafford play against the Cowboys took real balls. I’m talking splitting 8s against an ace balls. You get an A- because you’re winning with Matty Millen’s guys still.
Marc: So what do we do with these grades?
Tice: Shove ’em up your ass for all I care. If anyone asks I’ve been here since 11. Got a probation officer on my case. Alright, TICE OUT.