Football is awesome. We know this. The season is back, and I can’t believe we’re already a quarter of the way through this season. The summer sucks and it’s because there’s nothing on but f*cking baseball and nobody likes baseball. But there is a group of personality types that make football WORSE than it can be. People who stand in the way of the NFL going from totally awesome to EVEN AWESOMER. It’s time to call these people out.
Fans who yell the name of their tight end whenever he makes a catch
Nothing galvanizes fan bases like a gritty white tight end with a long vowel sound in his name. Which explains why no one gives a shit about Martellus Bennett. They love yelling that shit more than they love the player. They won’t even wait for the play to be over before they start screaming OMG HEEEEEEAAAATTTTHH. No joke, I was at a game once and fans started screaming COOOOOOOOLEY as soon as the ball hit his hands, and continued with it until he had finished fumbling the ball to the other team. Surely even the players must be annoyed with that.
Note: Also applies to white Packers running backs whose names sound like racial slurs.
Fan sections with nicknames
“The DOG POUND.” “The BLACK HOLE.” You know what those sound like? A place where fans of two historically crappy franchises gather to wear Halloween costumes and watch their team lose.
Fans who think they add something to the game experience
No one gives a shit about 90 percent of starting football players. What makes you think that wearing some stupid costume in section 232 and yelling things does anything other than piss off the people who paid good money for the seats you’re obstructing?
Fans who call into radio shows after a loss
“Hey Lavar! First time, long time. Love the show. Now, I realize that Mike Shanahan spends 900 hours per week watching game tape while his wife bangs the poolboy and his kids beat hookers in GTA V, but based on what I saw in the 2nd quarter I think they definitely need to throw more slant routes and have Alfred Morris run for a LOT of touchdowns.”
Fans who come to drink and swear and fight
“All football tickets should be labeled NC-17. Oh, did you come to watch a football game and cheer for the home team with your 11-year-old son like a normal person? Well I came to get shithammered on $10 beers, cuss at the referees from the upper deck and get into fights with other fans who root for the same goddamn team! Looks like you’re shit outta luck!”
Go fuck yourselves. “We just demand a lot of our team!” No, you’re just connoisseurs of gathering in large numbers and screaming.
By the way, the Redskins have a stupid fight song (fight songs should be illegal in the NFL), but the Eagles have an EPICALLY stupid fight song. Just look at it:
Fly Eagles Fly, On the Road to Victory.
Fight Eagles Fight, Score A Touchdown 1-2-3.
Hit ‘Em Low.
Hit ‘Em High.
And Watch Our Eagles Fly.
Fly Eagles Fly, On the Road to Victory.
I don’t even need to make fun of it. I’ll just leave it there like a giant steaming turd on the kitchen table. There is a 100 percent chance any Eagles fan reading this is quickly scrolling down right now.
Fans of individual players
Anyone who switches allegiances over an individual player is not a football fan. He’s a fucking groupie.
Fans who believe they’re special
It’s not good enough to be just another loyal fan of your hometown team. Oh no, you have to be better than other fan bases. You’re a member of TEAM NAME HERE Nation. Your brotherhood stretches from coast to coast, like douchebag sleeper cells ready to awaken and wave towels at a Dolphins game. You’re the most popular football team in Des Moines. You work in D.C. and look askance at people who have the gall to wear Redskins shirts. Fuck you. Do I go to Pittsburgh and wander around like a child at Willy Wonka’s going, “What the fuck are all these people wearing Steelers jerseys for? I don’t root for that particular band of mercenaries!”
Anyone still wearing a Lavar Arrington jersey
HE HAD LIKE ONE GOOD SEASON 11 YEARS AGO.
Fans of the Cowboys outside of Texas
There is nothing worse on the planet than a D.C.-area native who is a Cowboys fan. I would rather spend an afternoon drinking tea with Pol Pot than fraternize with one of these lifeforms.
A friend of mine is a Cowboys fan. But he was born and raised in Texas. And let me tell you, Texas Cowboys fans are NOTHING like D.C. Cowboys fans, who couldn’t locate Texas on a map (or D.C., for that matter). These types of fans were born to piss people off.
A couple years ago I made the inexplicable decision to drag my ass to a Redskins game at Fedex. During the 2nd quarter I hear a commotion in one of the nosebleed sections to my left. And what do I see but some shithead walking up and down the aisle, pointing to his Michael Irvin jersey as everyone jeered him. And here’s the kicker: IT WASN’T A FUCKING COWBOYS GAME. The Redskins were playing the LIONS that day.
So not only did this asshole pay hundreds of dollars for the privilege to trek a mile through bumfuck Maryland to see a game his team wasn’t even participating in, he was MISSING HIS OWN TEAM PLAYING AT THE SAME TIME. All to piss off people from his own goddamn hometown. This is a caliber of asshole the likes of which have started wars.
So there you have it. Hopefully this describes none of you. If we all just went to football games and enjoyed them like normal people, the world will be a better place. There would be peace in the Middle East. So just go watch a game and enjoy it without annoying everybody else.
Unless it’s at FedEx Field.