Last Week: 3-0
Last Week’s Stupid Ass Single-Game Parlay: 0-1
About that… Parlays are hard? Fortunately single bets are so easy that we can all get rich and retire to private islands. Wait, can you get Sunday Ticket on private islands? Being ultra-wealthy is going to be complicated.
Stupid Ass Single Game-Parlays Overall: 1-6
Stupid Ass Single-Game Parlay of the Week
Chicago Bears -3 vs. Baltimore Ravens and OVER 45
The Bears defense is all fucked up, and the Ravens unit is just bad. That leaves Flacco and Cutler to battle it out for king of the third tier. That makes this one of the better games of the week. The NFL is weird like that.
Update: Oh hey, Cutler’s not playing. I obviously know my stuff.
Home Favorite of the Week
Buffalo Bills PICK vs. New York Jets
The funniest trend of the year is the Jets inability to win consecutive games. Sure, they were supposed to be terrible, but now that they’re above average, we have to figure out another way to make fun of them. So yes, laugh away at they fulfill their destiny. The least funny trend remains that thing where every player gets hurt.
Road Favorite of the Week
San Diego Chargers -1.5 at Miami Dolphins
The Dolphins were cruising along. Now that they shit the bed, they find themselves in a bit of a fight for the Best Team In Florida trophy. OK, it’s not a trophy so much as it is an an empty box of wine.
Home Dog of the Week
Pittsburgh Steelers +2.5 vs. Detroit Lions
The best thing the Steelers have going for them is their pass defense, and a home record that is not as abjectly horrid as their mark on the road. Also, they’re coming off of a win, and the Lions are the Lions. They have ascended into first place in the division, and they have an easy schedule the rest of the way. They’ll fuck it up.
Literal Dog of the Week
Fantasy Matchup of the Week
This week’s submission comes from the mysterious RM.
Pro Tip of the Week
Try as I might, I’m probably not going to be able to help you make any money. However, I can offer tips that will help you out in other walks of life. It could be a recommendation on something to read, advice on lighting for your home, something useful I learned on the internet, or, more likely, something about food.
You can use white wine to clean up after red wine. If/when you spill some red wine, neutralize the stain with white wine, add some baking soda and blot away. Throw in some simple syrup and you have yourself a white zinfandel.
Send me an email if you would like to submit a Fantasy Matchup or a Pro Tip for future consideration.