Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, DO YOU REMEMBER WHERE YOU WERE WHEN PRESIDENT KENNEDY WAS ASSASSINATED?
Herm: I WAS NINE YEARS OLD SO I WAS PROBABLY EATING PASTE.
Jon: OF COURSE YOU WERE, YA BIG DUMMY. I WAS ONLY A FEW MONTHS OLD SO I WAS STILL DRINKING BREASTMILK LIKE IT WAS A TALL, COOL CORONA. LEMME TELL YA, MY MOM, SHE WAS IN LABOR FOR 36 HOURS WITH ME. SHE WAS THE ORIGINAL GRUDEN GRINDER.
Herm: I HOPE SHE DIDN’T POOP IN FRONT OF EVERYONE WHEN YOU WERE BORN.
Jon: ME TOO, HERM. ANYWAY, WE HAVE AMERICAN UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR PETER KUZNICK HERE TO TALK ABOUT THE KENNEDY ASSASSINATION. PETER, HOW YA DOIN’?
Peter: I’m doing well, Jon.
Jon: SO THE 50TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE KENNEDY ASSASSINATION IS COMING UP, AND YOU DON’T THINK THAT LEE HARVEY OSWALD WORKED ALONE.
Peter: Correct, Jon. Lee Harvey Oswald was a patsy of the military-industrial complex, one that killed Kennedy so it could escalate participation in Vietnam.
Jon: THIS MILITARY-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX, I CALL IT CTE BECAUSE WE’VE BEEN WARNED ABOUT IT FOR YEARS AND WE’RE NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
Herm: BELL HELICOPTER IS WHY I FORGET MY KEYS ALL THE TIME.
Peter: And if you look at the facts of the assassination there’s no way that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. He was not a good enough marksman to hit the president from that distance and angle.
Jon: I’VE SEEN SOME PRETTY INACCURATE GUYS HIT TIGHT WINDOWS BEFORE. IF YOU CAN RUN A RED HAM RIGHT 32 SPIDER THEN JEFF GARCIA CAN GET THE WIDEOUT IN STRIDE.
Herm: CHAD PENNINGTON WAS ON THE GRASSY KNOLL.
Peter: And when it looked like Oswald would talk, Jack Ruby was dispatched to shut him up, and the Dallas police somehow didn’t think to protect the nation’s most hated criminal.
Jon: THIS JACK RUBY, I CALL HIM JADEVEON CLOWNEY BECAUSE HE HAD ONE BIG SHOT BUT THEN WE NEVER HEARD FROM HIM AGAIN.
Herm: JIM LEAVELLE NEEDED TO DO A BETTER JOB BLOCKING.
Peter: Then you had a politically-motivated Warren Commission interested in making Oswald out to be the lone gunman, covering up the truth.
Jon: YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT DISAPPOINTING WARRENS, THEN HOW ABOUT GERARD? THE BROWNS WOULD HAVE BEEN MUCH BETTER OFF TAKING JUSTIN SMITH, HE’S MUCH BETTER AT RUNNING STUNTS.
Herm: LADANIAN TOMLINSON SHOULD HAVE CHAIRED THE WARREN COMMISSION.
Peter: Actually, the House Committee on Assassinations rebutted many of the Warren Commission’s findings. After Vietnam and Watergate, people in power were much more willing to look at the government skeptically.
Jon: YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SKEPTICAL OF PEOPLE IN POWER. THAT’S WHY I TOLD MIKE HOLMGREN THAT HE SHOULDN’T HAVE ANY OF BRETT FAVRE’S HAPPY PILLS
Herm: I ATE FOOD THAT FELL ON THE FLOOR.
Peter: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Jon: THAT’S OK BECAUSE WE’RE OUT OF TIME ON GRUDEN TALK. TAKE IT AWAY, HERM EDWARDS 7.
Herm: HOLIDAY IN CAMBODIA BY THE DEAD KENNEDYS COMING RIGHT UP!