Yes this is a real intereview that happened and now me and Michelle are pretty much best friends in the world. But Im a pro’s pro so I had to make this more about the facts and also I knew I had to sarge her. Im a bit of a legend in certain pickup artist forumns. Lets get down to business.
PFT Commenter: Sup gurl? lol. Its great to finally sit down with you oh my god I like your hair, is it a wig?
PFT Commenter: Oh right I bet thats what you say to all your dates. Hey, your so cute you have the craziest little crinkle on your nose.
Michelle Beadle: (ovulates probably)
PFT Commenter: Thats such a nice skirt you have i remember seeing you wear it alot last year. Hey heres a magic trick first ill need your garter belt (I’m escalating to touch here- classic technique)
(At this point Michele got stuckup and walked out on the interview and gave me a classic neg of not talking to me anymore. She’s played this game before to, this is how the dance goes folks.) Time to reel her in with dog stuff. PFTC tip- you need to do research/stalking on your interviews so that you can exploit there personal lives for your own benefit. In this instance I know Michelles got a dog name Leroy and I do to so Im going to use that to break the ice a little bit)
PFT Commenter: You have a dog name Leroy. I also have a dog name Leroy, I rescued him in 2007 from my neighbors who moved from inner Atlanta so I assumed they were big Mike Vick fans, so I had to educate them and steal there dog when they went out of town on a funeral or gambling trip or whatever. Here he is on halloween, I dressed him up as the future of the NFL if we keep taking all the violence out of the game and doing stuff like slapping pink on everything. Do you like him?
Michelle Beadle: Your dog is ridiculously awesome. And would probably be best friends with Mr. Leroy Jenkins. And I would like to eat his face.
Ed: (Thawed her right out, time to dig in and ask the tough questions)
PFT Commenter: Is Joe Flacco a Elite quarterback?
Michelle Beadle: He’s certainly being paid like one. Super Bowl MVP, several AFC championship game appearances. It seems as though he’s missing that ‘sexy’ quality that we appear to like in our elite guys. He’s quiet. He’s not exactly a household name in the endorsement game. And this being a meh year for the Ravens hasn’t done him any favors. And I’m already bored writing about this.
PFT Commenter: I recently asked Peter King what his football team would be if made out of dogs and he said some dumbshit anser like golden retreiver at DE and a corgi at QB or something. What would your dog football team look like?
Michelle Beadle: First of all, I like Mr. King’s answer. Well, the retriever, not so much the Corgi. I’d like to think I’d insert the regal Pug in as many positions as possible on my dog football team, but alas, they are a breed of personality, not so much skill. My defensive and offensive lines would be a mix of mastiffs and rottweilers. My quarterback might be a lab. Or a poodle. Not a beautiful dog, but apparently very bright. A Giant one. I might be able to get a pug in there as a kicker. He would be the Pat McAfee of the DFL.
PFT Commenter: For some reason Im interested to know if you think Gay people play football.
Michelle Beadle: I think gay people do everything. Duh.
PFT Commenter: I’m not Gay. Are you single? If were comparing men to NFL philosophys which do you prefer- Agressive one-cut downhill style dater, or someone who wont commit to running the ball and stopping the run in the playoffs?
Michelle Beadle: I’m mostly single. Your NFL dating philosophies are both flawed and not attractive to me. I like a nice, moderately paced running game with an occasional Hail Mary.
PFT Commenter: Have you heard about Rich Eisens iPhone app thats a dating site for NFL fans? Would you ever use it lol?
Michelle Beadle: I have not heard of Eisen’s app for dating. Knowing Mr. Eisen, I imagine it’s glorious and wonderful. I have not dipped into the dating site pool. Yet.
PFT Commenter: Well you can sign up my SN is PFT Commenter Ive got private DM ability on there because i signed up when the Elite membership was on special for $80 for 6 months NBD.
PFT Commenter: Pat O’Brien takes Al Michaels out to a bar what kind of tab are we talking about,, 4 figures or 5?
Michelle Beadle: Pat O’Brien and Al Michaels at a bar. I think the bill is small. Lots of comped wings.
PFT Commenter: You work with Billy Bush do you think hed make as good a president as his cousin?
Michelle Beadle: No. hahahahahahahhahahahaha
PFT Commenter: Who would you have play you in a Hollywood movie?
Michelle Beadle: I’d love to see what Kathy Bates could do as Michelle Beadle. I think she showed a lot of potential in Misery. And I liked what I saw. As long as she’s cool with full frontal, we’re good to go.
PFT Commenter: (Does waistband tuck)
PFT Commenter: Did you read 50 shades of Gray just curious?
Michelle Beadle: I read two of the three 50 Shades books. I give them a 3 outta 5 Bored Housewives.
PFT Commenter: Follow up question- whats your take on the Big Ben trade rumors?
Michelle Beadle: Big Ben trade rumors. Aren’t rumors great. Anyone can start them. They’re a wonderful way to put out feelers. It’s like getting the benefits of a publicist without paying one. I respect his desire to be vocal about his refusal to be traded.
PFT Commenter: Ya, Bens not one to roll over/off easy.
PFT Commenter: How refreshing was it to hear from a man (finally) on womans place in journalism from Damon Bruce you have to admit he was right about everything.
Michelle Beadle: Damon Bruce nailed it, didn’t he? I’ve been thinking for so long how much I’d love to get in the sandbox and play with a misogynistic ratings hound. I think his schtick was transparent, and thankfully, short-lived. We now wait for the next one.
PFT Commenter: Take your top 5 on-air personalitys from NBC and your top 5 ESPN- who are they and who wins in a Anchorman style fistfight?
Michelle Beadle: I can’t think of 5 NBC sports people. I’ll pass.
PFT Commenter: (!!!)
Michelle Beadle: I loved that you had me marry a dog at the end of Playmakers. It was both symbolic of my true dating life, and It also played into my devout love of all things canine. Scout and I are good. We went through a rough patch, in which he was persistent of his alpha dominance in the house. But mama is the top bitch in this establishment.
PFT Commenter: Thanks so much for sitting down 2 chat. Your alot more down to earth then people giving you credit for I dont care what they say (this is known as a pretty solid “neg” in the pickup artist community), did you get my birthday present?
Michelle Beadle: WHERE’S MY BIRFDAY GIFT?
PFT Commenter: And finaly before I let you go the question everyones got on there mind: F/M/K Colin Cowherd, Linda Cohn, and Mike & Mike (simultaneously)?
Michelle Beadle: I would marry Cowherd. He’s organized and clean. Kill the guys…one man is cool, 2? Forget it. And make sweet love to Cohner.