Welcome back to a nother “Tech corner” with PFT Commenter folks. Ever since I reviewed Rich Eisens dating app Ive had the biggest names in sports and cutting edge web point.0 software reach out to me to get the coveted PFTseal of approval on there new product or service.
Well one of you guys alerted me to the fact that flavor of the month “Shorterback” Russell Wilson put out a app called “Ask Russell Wilson” not to be confused with Bart Hubbochs review of “Axe Anquan Boldin” where you can literaly ask the starting QB of the Seadderall Pharmacyhawks any question you want (so they say). Unlike Rich Eisesns dating app you can get this one on Android folks but suprisingly not on Windows, wtg Seattle. The app is sponsored by American family insurance for a reason that Im sure makes sense to someone. It’s probably not at all a insurance company developing a app where Russell Wilson talks you into buying insurance although I am kind’ve interested to know what the monthly premiums for this guy are though:
So lets get down to busness here. At first I was kind of puzzled why Wilson would have a app thats basically a magic “8-ball” when he can just go ask Richard Sherman to score a couple lines like usual. But I was still eager to absolutley UNLOAD with some strong takes on Wilson. Hes been playing paddycake with the friendly local media for to long and he needs a wake up call IMO. Rule number 1 of app reviews or interviewing overated players is to be prepared so I scribbled down a few notes:
- How can you survive in Seattle on a salaray of only $400k per year wouldnt you HAVE to sell drugs or prostitute your teammates wifes just to make ends meet?
- Admit that your at least a little bit annoyed when your fans scream so loud its almost like the Peets closest to there office moved a block down the street
- Does you really believe the goverments explanation for what happened on 9/11?
Needles to say I was excited to get some of these questions answered so I downloaded the iOS version and fired it up. Right off the bat I was put off BIG TIME. A lame song starts playing that doesnt stop for the ENTIRE TIME your using the app. To make matter worst its a carbon copy of that Green Day song about a abortion or whatever “Time of your Life” but its almost thumbing its nose at Matt Flynn with a “Good Riddance” message.
Im going to call Russell “Lambchop” account of this song never ends and the insurance companys basically using him as a puppet to sell there product to the most uninsurable people in the world: die hard NFL fans. The app also froze on my phone when I started it but whatever. Before I ask lets check out the “About Russell Wilson” section. Wonder if its going to talk about how obviously his parents wanted to make him a sports star since they named him after two different brands of Athletic equipment:
I dont understand what this means there should be someone who wrights this who can put together a sentence IMO. He EATS integrity, passion, and preperation? The part where it says he leads himself against his own hurdles is actually a great description of how he plays football with his own athleticism being the worst part of his game. But overall I cant understand this bio, its literally a holocost of the english language. Heres how I picture this copy getting written:
Marketing guy 1: “We’ve got are meeting this morning with that short fast fella who everyone seems to adore for some reason.”
Marketing guy 2: “Oh you mean the guy who parks in the handicap spot everytime he visits the office?”
Marketing guy 1: “Yea thats the one. Anyways we’re showing him what we’ve got for his app. Do you have his bio done?”
Marketing guy 2: “Oh shit. That’s do today? Hang on brb.” (The second guy goes back into the stall. They were in the bathroom this whole time I forgot to mention that part)
Its loud grunting noises and splashes for 3 minutes coming from the stall. Then the toilet flushes and he steps out of the stall now he’s got a paper in his hand somehow with the bio typed up on it. He walks out of the commode and Russel Wilsons in there ripping a couple quick bumps off the urinal-handle before the meeting. They both start doing coke and forget about the meeting. Then two days later he wakes up and faxes the bio into his office from Aculpolco using some hookers NeatDesk scanner.
Lets get started with question about life on the field.
“Mr. Wilson, PFT Commenter here from sports websites, I want to know which round of the playoffs you plan on losing in this year.”
“Ok. Huh. Seems like its pretty relevent. If you guys are so adament about breaking the noise record why dont you just get the cops to bring a decible meter next time you and your “wife” have one of your famous domestic disputes?”
Im beginning to seriously question his ear discipline which would never be a problem with your Mike Glennon types. I tried like 5 more times to get his takes on why he thought the She-hawks were on a 1 game losing streak going into the most important games of the year but he just kept throwing this lame stuff backat me.
So I put down the app for about 10 minutes to go see if my dog was still alive and then when I came back this son of a bitch had the nerve to smart-off with me. He says “Whyd you leave me hanging” like Im inconveniencing him for seeing if my dog was ok instead of listening to him tell me the value of term-life policiys, like he allmost gets off on killing peoples pets. Guess he’s got more in common with Mike Vick then we thought folks.
So really what it boils down to is I can ask one of two questions to him. Its like a choose your own adventure game instead of solving a puzzle or whatever you end up one by one answering risk factor questions about your health and current insurance policys. Here are literally the only questions your allowed to ask him:
- Tell me about your dreams off the field
- Tell me about some football camp for idiots you run
- Tell me about how you married some chick from High School because you were average height then so she liked you
- Tell me about some bullshit where you wear like 40 different wristbands and how cool you are and what a inspiration you think you are you turkey
- What is the right life insurance policys for me and my loved ones and can you give me the answer to this question from you’re perspective as a profesonal football player?
Thats really it. If you ask any other question he just plays dumb, which is par fore the course with this guy. But the problem with this app is it doesnt even work. I tried to play along and ask him to tell me about his business plans and he just kept saying “I dont understand, but Im resiliant, try that question again.” Now admidetly Im not the most fluent person in more urban dialects which probably had alot to do with this, but the app is unsusable except every now and again you get lucky and he actually understands what your telling him. Its no wonder Pete Carrols had it up to here with his excuses.
For some reason the only things he understood was when I asked him to tell me more about his dreams as they pertained to American Family insurance:
If you want to hear other takes on this application look no further from App Store Power User “Goat Lover 101”:
Overall this is the perfect app for someone who needs a average NFL quarterback to convince them that they should be in the market for buying life insurance , and also likes to hear Ruseell Wilson brag about how his wife loves him in being a semi-pro baseball (and football technically) player. For that guy, we’ll call him Roy in Tacoma, this is the perfect app. For serous journalists like me, I’ll just have to wait to catch him off-Guard just like NFL linebackers are starting to do when he reverts back to feet first improvisation.