There is so much football news to buzz about right now, you might be forgiven for not knowing that the Pro Bowl is still apparently a thing. I know, right? Freaky. Anyway, thanks to them aping the draft approach from Hockey, we will no longer have AFC vs NFC teams, but a weird pot pie of delicious wackiness. Players can now get tackled by their own teammates. An overlooked aspect to this new Pro Bowl is that with the NFC/AFC theme gone, they needed new uniforms. Well, if you’d like to see what they look like, here they are:
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Seriously, look at them. Nike had the chance to take any idea, theme they wanted and make a uniform out of it. There were no real restrictions here, because there was no theme to follow. They could have done anything. Instead, I presume this happened:
Nike Executive: “Jim! We need to design the Pro Bowl uniforms. What ideas do you have?”
Jim Last Name: “Uhhhhhh….well….ummmm…I could pull up my folder of Oregon uniform rejects and see what we could use”
Nike Executive: “BRILLIANT! Pick one of the dull gray ones. But we still need one for the other team”
Jim: “I could just take one of the weaker white ones and make the green orange instead”
Nike Executive: “That’s why you get paid the big bucks, Jim. Get to it.”
Nike Executive and Jim both leave the bathroom, Nike Executive doesn’t wash his hands
So yeah. We got an Oregon Ducks reject and a white version with orange trim. It feels very uninspired considering the level of freedom the project probably warranted. Hawaii is one of the prettiest, most colorful states we have, it’s a vacation for the players, it’s a fun, harmless game that isn’t all serious brooding football and all they come up with a dull gray uniform. It just doesn’t feel right. Nothing gets the blood pumping like the color gray. Nothing says bright vacation backyard and lighthearted experience like the color gray. The uniforms aren’t bad, I like the Orange and Green trim, but they certainly aren’t very inspired. Battle of the grayscale. Really makes me want to watch low effort football.
So I decided to try out some new ideas. Things they could have done instead, to give the uniforms personality and make the game more fun to see in action.
If you are going to go the black and white route, why not go full bore instead of going halfway to black and getting scared to go darker? This is one side vs the other, let’s get some real contrast in here. Complete opposites. There is no middle ground. Heaven and Hell. 50 shades of gray? more like none. It’s all or nothing baby.
Good old shirts and skins, the way backyard sports that no one really cares about was meant to be played. Shirts always lost because the players who were actually fit always played skins because they looked good. No one wanted to see your pale skinny torso blinding them. Plus, on a hot day, shirts were the worst.
It’s Hawaii! Why not bring out the festiveness of Jimmy Buffet? Only applicable to players who are 50+ years of age and are incapable of wearing sandals without socks. Concussions in paradise.
Speedos. For the ladies. And to creep out that Special Teams coordinator that Kluwe called a bigot.
“I am the first down.” I dunno one of you nerds can probably come up with a better caption on this one than me.
THE FANBOY BATTLE TO END ALL BATTLES! WHICH TEAM DO YOU PICK? Is it the versatile highly customize-able but very injury prone Windows team? Or the very reliable but way overrated and insanely expensive Apple team? The refs are linux in this situation. I should stop before this gets any more forced.
PURE UNADULTERATED CHAOS. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT TEAM THEY ARE ON. NO ONE KNOWS WHO TO DEFEND OR EVEN WHAT ENDZONE TO AIM FOR. PURE CHAOS. Also, as a prerequisite to the game, all players must drop acid and the Beatles “Tomorrow Never Knows” plays on loop the entire game.
I made this one as a joke but I would seriously pay money to watch the hell out of this football game. Especially if it was played in the dark and the only things you could see were the highlighted bits. How much would that own? It would own a lot. Pay attention, Roger Goodell, I am a man of many good ideas.
I wasn’t going to top the Tron uniforms so that’s it. Enjoy not watching the Pro Bowl. I’m going to go on a nice winter hike instead. If you just need more terrible uniform ideas in your life, you can look at the last time I decided to take a big steaming dump all over Nike’s good designers who just want to provide for their family without some jerk on the internet mocking them.