Last Week: 1-2
Last Week’s Stupid Ass Single-Game Parlay: LOSS
About that… Sadly, there are no pushes in parlays. Even sadder, there are only two football games this weekend. But don’t worry, the Pro Bowl is right around the corner.
Stupid Ass Single Game-Parlays Playoffs: 1-1
Stupid Ass Single Game-Parlays Overall: 3-12
Stupid Ass Prop Bets of the Week
What will be the highest decibel level shown on TV during the 49ers/Seahawks game?
I know that they’ll do whatever it takes to get their awesome yet stupidly loud stadium more recognition for being stupidly loud. I don’t actually know how loud 135.5 decibels is, but I’d also be willing to bet lots and lots of money that they’ll provide a handy scale that includes a rock concert, a jet engine and Joe Buck’s sex noises.
Home Favorite of the Week
Denver Broncos -4 vs. New England Patriots
John Elway has declared that this game will be a “barnburner,” so you may want to cancel your plans to spend Sunday afternoon yard sale hopping. I can’t say that I totally agree. Unless he means that the Broncos are going to go up big early, at which point Bill Belichick will light that stupid horse’s barn on fire.
The line opened at a perfectly reasonable 6.5, and it just keeps going down. Is it because of New England’s power running game? Is it because of Peyton Manning’s record in games like these? Or is it because of the indomitable spirit of the Patriot Way? No, it’s because people are idiots, while we like to think that we’re smart. Unless you disagree, in which case you are a hopeless fool doomed to
Other Home Favorite of the Week
Seattle Seahawks -3 vs. San Francisco 49ers
I feel like I don’t hate the Seahawks enough. I hate their coach, but I love their stadium. I hate Richard Sherman for trying to taunt Trent Williams, but I love him for doing it to Tom Brady. I hate their annoying fans, but I understand that every team has shitty asshole fans. As for the game, I’ll take Marshawn and an all-time great defense over the indestructible Anquan Boldin and his hippity hoppity quarterback.
Seattle’s defense wasn’t just the best in the NFL, they were the best in the NFL by 10 percentage points. They gave up 28 fewer yards per game than the next best defense while allowing just over 14 points per game. Nothing has changed in the playoffs, so there’s no good reason to go against them now. But maybe buy half a point. Three point lines are worse than Pete Carroll.
Literal Dog(s) of the WeekThe
This dog does not fuck around. First he herds the sheep, then he uses them as his own personal bed. If this dog wrote a book I would pre-order it.
Rejected Baby Name of the Week
This week’s rejected name for Baby Kogod: Raylan
I vetoed this one. My wife likes Timothy Olyphant just a little too much. As much of a badass as Raylan is, I don’t think I want a kid named after a television character. Also, people are naming their girls Raylan. I attribute this to guys refusing to name their sons after fictional men who their wives fantasize about. Very Oedipal. Also, Raylan sounds rednecky as hell and my kid may go to Hebrew school one day.
Pro Tip of the Week
Try as I might, I’m probably not going to be able to help you make any money. However, I can offer tips that will help you out in other walks of life. It could be a recommendation on something to read, advice on lighting for your home, something useful I learned on the internet, or, more likely, something about food.
Do you listen to sports talk radio? Maybe stop for a while. I did, and my anger levels are at an all time low. No offense to the good people in the sports talk radio industry, but most of their colleagues make me want to drive over a cliff.
Top photo by via ESPN’s game gallery.