Last Week’s Stupid Ass Single-Game Parlay: WIN, MOTHERF*CKER
About that… Two stupid points away from a perfect weekend.
Stupid Ass Single Game-Parlays Playoffs: 1-0
Stupid Ass Single Game-Parlays Overall: 3-11 (better than the Redskins!)
Stupid Ass Single-Game Parlay of the Week
New Orleans Saints +8 at Seattle Seahawks and UNDER 46.5
The Seahawks have are a billion and one in their last billion and one home games. They’ve won hundreds of straight playoff games. They are a very good football team coached by a very big shithead. And the Saints are just good enough to make things respectable. Plus, the Seahawks have gone under in like five straight and I’m a slave to trends.
Home Favorite of the Week
Denver Broncos -9 vs. San Diego Chargers
You don’t just go into Denver, ruin their perfect home record, then do it AGAIN in the playoffs. That would be rude, and Peyton Manning wouldn’t stand for it. Unless he got distracted by a potential record or an opportunity to host the season finale of Saturday Night Live.
Road Favorite of the Week
San Francisco 49ers -3 at Carolina Panthers
It’s a rough scenario for casually racist sports fans everywhere. One of these quarterbacks is going to lead their team to victory. They just have to hope it’s purely on the strength of athletic ability and not reliant on cerebral quarterbacking.
Road Dog of the Week
Indianapolis Colts +7.5 at New England Patriots
The Colts have gone 14-2 in games decided by a a single score with Andrew Luck as their quarterback. I wouldn’t even bother betting the line. Bet them to win straight up (at +250) or not at all. Or invest your money in a low risk mutual fund. I’m an idiot on the internet who likes dogs and soup, not a financial planner.
Literal Dog(s) of the Week
Rejected Baby Name of the Week
This week’s rejected name for Baby Kogod: Berger.
Would-be Berger Kogod joins Cassius Kogod on the baby name scrapheap. Apparently a fat guy can’t have kid who sounds like food. Apparently people will think I’m going to eatthe baby.
Mmmm…baby. I’ll just have a toe. Nobody will miss a toe.
Pro Tip of the Week
Try as I might, I’m probably not going to be able to help you make any money. However, I can offer tips that will help you out in other walks of life. It could be a recommendation on something to read, advice on lighting for your home, something useful I learned on the internet, or, more likely, something about food.
Sick child or spouse? Make this soup called avgolemeno. It has five ingredients and takes about 20 minutes. It’s fucking delicious, and it’s perfect for miserable sick people who don’t have an appetite. The only way it could be better is if it had a matzoh ball.
Top image via ESPN’s game gallery.