STANNIS GOODATHEON, DEFENDER OF THE SHIELD stands brooding before a table shaped as a map of the realm. The table is covered with chess pieces, most of which have been carved into the shape of animal heads. Lurking nearby is PATCHFAVRE, THE FOOL, who wanders aimlessly in a circle, occasionally sprinkling nutmeg into an empty flagon.
GUARD [offscreen]: My lord, Davos Collinsworth has arrived.
GOODATHEON: Send him in. I expected you last night, C-Worth.
C-WORTH: Listen, I know you think it makes you sound like one of the smallfolk when you call me that but…
[GOODATHEON looks at him blankly]
C-WORTH: …never mind. I apologize for the lateness of my arrival, my lord. My mother, her greyscale, it…
GOODATHEON: Your duty is to the shield, have you not forgotten?
C-WORTH: Of course not, it’s just…I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this whole “duty to the shield” thing. I don’t mind describing trepanning accidents during the tournaments as “needing to send your helmet back to the smith”, but this thing about the fingers…[rubs fingers on right hand nervously]
GOODATHEON: Those fingers have disgraced the shield.
C-WORTH: That was twenty years ago and she was eighteen!
GOODATHEON: Yes, I’ve heard that same speech about how you keep getting older and the wenches stay the same age from Renly a dozen times. In fact, if that useless fop were to ascend to the throne he’d probably add those words to our family crest. If I possessed the power to punish Renly for his…indiscretions…he’d be fingerless, tongueless, and eyeless within a week. But Renly is of royal blood and under the protection of my boorish oaf of a whoremongering brother, while you are a commoner whose duty is to the shield. We shall take your fingers when Mellisandre returns, apparently she has a use for them.
[C-WORTH snickers, GOODATHEON ignores him.]
GOODATHEON: Your spies were to have tracked the movements of my brother’s bastard. What news have you?
C-WORTH: [glances at PATCHFAVRE] My lord? Loose lips…
GOODATHEON: The fool? His lips serve no purpose than to slurp brew from the Summer Islands and spout nonsense. Let him hear and tell who he will, none will understand him.
PATCHFAVRE: The land baron has ginger hair, he is like a kid out there, I know, oh, oh, oh.
GOODATHEON: [furious] You were forbidden to speak of that man in my presence! [hurls a chess piece at PATCHFARVE, striking him about his ample midsection]
C-WORTH: By the seven, who is this land baron that enrages you so?
GOODATHEON: I have no earthly idea. A retired knight who lives in Wichita, as best I can tell from this fool’s rantings.
C-WORTH: Then why is Patchfavre forbidden to speak of him?
GOODATHEON: Because every time he does he gets an erection. It’s disgusting. What news from your spies?
C-WORTH: My lord, Ser Kluwe is no longer a threat to the shield. He fell in with the Bloody Mummers for some time, but even they have cast him out. He no longer speaks treason against the realm, now all his talk is of orcs and ogres and dragons and epic battles that he fights within his own mind. My counsel is that there is little point in striking him down now, his words carry as much weight as this simpleton’s proclamations [gestures to PATCHFAVRE].
GOODATHEON: He shall face the king’s justice when the time comes. In the meantime, the conscripts have been complaining about having to fight battles on the Smith’s day. This talk has begun to spread to the commoners. I want you to…
[RAVEN FLIES IN]
C-WORTH: A message, my lord. Four messages, actually.
To sit on that throne is death – so yeah for Dreamboat!
As Aerys the Mad: A sword in the back from a trusted guard? I’m good with that.
As Robert I: Gored by a boar: I’m good with that too.
As Ned Stark: beheaded, betrayed, with his progeny spread with the wind? Yup, very down with that as well.
But really, as Joffrey? With no spoilers allowed for the viewers only, well…. bitch slapped to death by the imp works for me!
Am I the only one who recognizes the source material from Assassin’s Creed III? Brady’s replacing George Washington if Washington had become a tyrant instead and used ancient technology to control the nation. Of course, this all still works in context, so carry on. /That Guy