[Guest post written by Sean Conboy]
Shockwaves reverberated through the NFL today as Richie Incognito, Miami Dolphins offensive lineman and John Hughes-inspired sociopathic jock numbnuts, became the first NFL player to be morally diagnosed with Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy.
“There’s simply no other neurological explanation for such nauseatingly infantile and dumbfounding behavior,” explains Dr. Leo Fakeman, head of neurological surgery at Minnesota State University. “We’re afraid that Mr. Incognito’s grey matter is so riddled with CTE that he is slowly reverting back to a child-like mental state, or as it is commonly known, a Babality.”
Previously, CTE could only be confirmed posthumously. But when a team of neurologists examined a 148-page internal investigation revealing that Incognito had tyrannized teammate and “close personal friend” Jonathan Martin with racist and homophobic slurs, extorted him for money, and carried out a pattern of sustained physical and mental abuse correlated with being an unfathomably horrible human being, all signs pointed to severe brain damage.
Researchers say the tipping point came when Incognito tweeted, “#FREEINCOGNITO” just one day after the investigation revealed that he had called Martin the n-word and joked in text messages about “shooting all black people.”
“Mr. Incognito’s neocortex, the part of the brain that controls rational thought and — ironically in this case (hehe) — separates us from dolphins, has been completely obliterated,” says Dr. Fakeman.
Despite his condition, Miami Dolphins officials are hopeful that Incognito will return to the NFL’s meat thresher at the start of training camp, where his deranged brain will be jostled, bonked, slammed and scrambled into mush in front of delighted spectators.
“After sustaining a full season of trauma, Mr. Incognito may begin to have a physical reaction,” explains Dr. Fakeman. “After several blows, his body may begin to embiggen, then he’ll begin puffing smoke and flashing red similar to a Super Nintendo sub-boss. At this point, any well-timed blow to the top of his head will cause his drug-addled, bigoted, hateful body to explode into a supernova of a billion tiny stars.”
If Incognito survives his NFL playing career without spontaneously combusting into a racist supernova, doctors expect his middle-aged life to be a living purgatory of confusion, unhinged aggression and slow, unstoppable mental deterioration.
While Incognito’s 2014 status remains a question mark, his camp remains optimistic. Since Dolphins officials participated in and then attempted to cover up the racial and physical abuse last year, even after Martin had checked in to a mental facility, many NFL insiders don’t see Incognito as a long-term distraction.
“Now if he were openly gay, or was even sympathetic toward that ‘life choice’, that would be ‘nother can a taters,” an unnamed NFL GM told Sports Illustrated.