First name: Jonathan
Middle name: Paul
Last name: Manziel
Height: 5’11 3/4″
Weight: 207 lbs
Not supposed to be: Your kid’s role model, man.
College: Texas A&M
High school: Tivy High School
Other famous alumni: No.
Year: Redshirt sophomore
Parents: Paul and Michelle
Hetero life partner: Uncle Nate
Major: Sports management
Because it could benefit his career? Because of Entourage.
40 yard dash: 4.68
What his Twitter bio tells us: OH MY GOD I GOOGLED IT AND IT’S THE NAME OF A DRAKE ALBUM.
What his tweets tell us: SHUT THE FUCK UP, HIS TWITTER BIO IS A DRAKE ALBUM
Terrible song that accompanies his YouTube highlight video: Worst Behavior
Jesus, that’s terrible. Who is it? DRAKE
I didn’t know Canadians were allowed to use the n-word: None of us did.
Potential Berman nicknames: Juan Futbol
Google Image Search results: Titties, LeBron, Shirtlessness, Rick Ross, Duck Dynasty, bottle service, Gronk, and flashing cash with Uncle Nate
Related Google Image Searches: Girlfriend, Party, Money and Tattoo
Might as well be: Undraftable, Red Flag, Not the guy you want as the face of your franchise.
Red Flags: See Image Search, Google.
Accolades: Won the Heisman Trophy
What does did with the Heisman Trophy: Positions it to make it look like an erection.
Nicest comparisons: Brett Favre
Meanest comparison: The Drake of football.
“Would be headed for the CFL if it wasn’t for him” comparison: Doug Flutie
Strengths: 360 dunking, NBA Finals ticket hook up having, slayer of pussy.
Weaknesses: Undersized glory boy.
All of Which makes him: A bit of a dick, probably.
Coveted by: Jerry Jones
Where he’ll go: Dallas
Dallas? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Essential profile: Wright Thompson’s
Relevant nugget: May have a drinking problem.
What Nolan Nawrocki is saying: Boys will be boys.
Impact: Ratings. Like, missing airplane ratings.