Free agency starts this afternoon at 4 p.m. ET, even though deals are already being made because whatever, there are transactions to be done. Since you can’t get in on the fun of offering or signing contracts for millions of dollars, what can you do to get into the free agency spirit? That’s easy. Here are but a few options.
— Go to the grocery store, exclaim “what a crop this year” in each aisle. When you spot another shopper eying a purchase, invent criticisms of the product. “I heard those Kettle Chips are only in it for the money,” you explain. “Sun Chips? I hope you read the ingredients where it says it contains LOCKER ROOM CANCER” As soon as they place the item back on the shelf, nab it yourself. SUCCESSFUL SMOKESCREEN!
— Spend the day trying to name another Panthers receiver once they let Steve Smith go.
— Teach your dog to sit with the command “nice try, but champions build through the draft”.
— Entering into a non-guaranteed deal with a friend that you can welch on at any for any reason.
— Offer your neighbor’s son an eight-year, $120 million deal to mow your lawn. Only $20 of it is guaranteed. After he mows the lawn the first time, fire him immediately, hand him his $20 and wish him luck on future endeavors.
— Create a Twitter feed called @Source and start tweeting random contract figures at Chris Mortensen and watch as he runs with all of them.
— If a trade is pulled off, simulate the trade in Madden. If the game rejects it as unfair, you know it was never meant to be. Video games are not to be questioned.
— Spread lies to Jermichael Finley.
Free Agency Starts Today?
— Jermichael Finley (@JermichaelF88) March 11, 2014
— Track down JaMarcus Russell and tell him you represent the Jets. Offer him a briefcase. Inside, instead of contractual paperwork, it’s just gummi worms. He happily accepts the terms of the deal.
— Not even caring because once Matt Cassel is off the market, what’s the point?
— Be disappointed when Darren Sproles isn’t introduced to his new team by leaping out of the owner’s jacket pocket at a press conference.