Jon: WELCOME BACK TO GRUDEN TALK, THE TALK SHOW WHERE WE DISCUSS THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES OF THE DAY. BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS, HAVE YOU BEEN ENJOYING ALL YOUR TIME OFF?
Herm: TRYING TO SET A RECORD FOR STARING AT THE SUN. I GOT TO 15 MINUTES BEFORE MY BRAIN STARTED HURTING.
Jon: OF COURSE YOU HAVE, YA BIG DUMMY. WELL, I’VE BEEN USING THE TIME OFF TO SPEND MORE TIME GRINDING TAPE, BUT I MISS MY SHOW. SO I INVITED OUR WRITER BOBBY BIG WHEEL HERE TO EXPLAIN WHAT’S GOING ON. BOBBY, HOW YA DOIN’?
Bobby: I’m doing well, Jon.
Jon: HEY, THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE. THIS IS LIKE WHEN ERIC MANGINI TRIED ONLINE DATING.
Jon: THAT’S BETTER. HOW YA DOIN’, BUDDY?
Bobby: I’m good, Jon. Pretty busy though.
Herm: THE BIG WHEEL IS MAKIN’ DEALS.
Bobby: That’s right, bandleader Herm Edwards. As I noted on my personal blog last week I’m about to start a new job. Unfortunately that means I have a shitload of work to do in the sprint up to finishing my old job.
Jon: WELL I GRIND TAPE 20 HOURS PER DAY AND STILL HAVE TIME TO MAKE THIS SHOW.
Bobby: What can I say, I don’t have your level of focus. Also, have you checked the news recently? The two big stories are Ukraine, which I’ve covered, and a missing plane, which I’m not smart enough to write about.
Jon: YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE SMART TO BE ON THIS SHOW. JUST LOOK AT BANDLEADER HERM EDWARDS.
Herm: ALL THOSE DS AND FS I GOT IN SCHOOL MEANT I WAS DOING FINE.
Bobby: Well no, you guys don’t have to be smart. Well, Jon, you’re kinda smart. But you can only express yourself in football talk. The whole point of Gruden Talk is to rip off the old SNL Harry Caray sketches where the joke is it’s a dumb sports guy interviewing smart science people. In fact, that Herm Edwards staring at the sun joke is a blatant ripoff of it.
Jon: THIS WILL FERRELL, I CALL HIM PERCY HARVIN BECAUSE HE’S SO FLEXIBLE YOU CAN LINE HIM UP JUST ABOUT ANYWHERE.
Herm: I HOPE WILL FERRELL DOESN’T GET MIGRAINES.
Bobby: You see, back in 2012 Ape and I were talking about how I could contribute to the site. I originally had the idea to have you, Jon, tell stories of what it was like to be a Hooters fry cook in Tampa. But somehow that morphed into Gruden Talk.
Herm: AND THEN YOU ADDED ME WHEN YOU SAW ME ON SPORTSCENTER AND NOTICED THAT ALL I DID WAS SAY OBVIOUS STUFF VERY CONVINCINGLY.
Bobby: Pretty much. There was no Eureka moment with Jon but there was with you. And then the guest is always talking in my voice. That’s why people complain about this show being liberal propaganda. But I feel like if I tried to stifle my own voice out of some false sense of moderation then the concept wouldn’t be as funny. So the liberalism is here to stay.
Jon: SO THIS MEANS THAT THE SHOW ISN’T ENDING?
Bobby: Hardly. Ape suggested that it go biweekly a few months ago, and that’s really helped the quality. Once I get into my normal work routines I hope that Gruden Talk goes back to being regular. Sadly writing online, for me at least, only pays beer money so my output is subject to my work schedule.
Jon: ARE YOU AFRAID THAT YOU’LL RUN OUT OF TOPICS AT ALL? I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO NORMAN ORNSTEIN YET AGAIN.
Herm: NORMAN ORNSTEIN IS OUR TONY RANDALL.
Bobby: I am a little worried that our national politics are becoming so rotten (100% the fault of Republicans by the way) that I’ll lose interest in them and that’d make finding topics difficult. But any time there’s something in the news that interests me I can usually turn it into a GT. The only issue of late has been nothing’s come out at me. Probably because I’ve been busier than normal and have less time for news.
Jon: SO THERE ARE SOME TOPICS YOU JUST WON’T TOUCH? LIKE A RECEIVER OUTSIDE THE FIRST FIVE YARDS?
Bobby: Well, the Trayvon Martin murder made me so queasy that I didn’t really want to turn it into a GT. But I use my sense of humor to cope with tough news all the time, so I won’t rule anything out categorically. Though people keep telling me I should have some sports guest on Gruden Talk and I keep telling them that’s impossible because the whole point is that Jon’s trying to understand non-sports news.
Jon: WELL THIS HAS BEEN THE MOST EDUCATIONAL GRUDEN TALK YET. PLAY US OFF, HERM EDWARDS 7.
Herm: IF BIG WHEEL IS ON THE SHOW THEN WE’RE USING SON OF A BITCH BY NAZARETH.