In June 2014, former NFL wide receiver Chad Johnson was signed to the Montreal Alouettes of the Canadian Football league. His time there was short, and tenuous to say least. While in Montreal, Ochocinco kept a diary of his experiences. KSK has recovered the diary, and we are proud to present to you for the first time, a selection of entries from the Ochocinco Montreal Diaries.
June 3rd: Today is my first day in Montreal. And so far, i am very confused. Eeryone is speaking in a weird, gibberish language that I’ve never heard before. It’s like Klingon, or Esperanto, or Balopsho, the language T.O. and I made up back in 2010. Man, that was fun. I don’t care if we only won like two games. Being on a team where I wasn’t the biggest asshole was the greatest experience of my life. Seriously, though, this new language is freaking me out. It took me six years just to learn how to pronounce Houshmandzadeh, I ain’t goin through this shit.
June 4th: Ok, my agent told me the language everyone here is speaking is called “French,” which is also the language that one weird white girl Don Draper was nailing for a few weeks was speaking. Whatever, I’ll learn enough phrases to pick up girls. Ooh, quick reminder: ask Siri to teach me how to say “I was really good in 2006, please sleep with me” in French.
June 17th: You know what, this place isn’t so bad. I still have no idea what anyone is saying, but have you tried this shit called poutine? It’s like this gravy, and french fries and cheese and shit. i could eat this every day! In fact, I know what my new hook is gonna be – instead of wearing a helmet, I’ll strap a plate of poutine to my head and call myself poutine man! I guess it might be a little dangerous to play without a helmet, but come, they’re Canadian! Do Canadians even know how to tackle? Hell, do French-Canadians even understand the concept of tackling?
June 18th: Ugh…I just talked to the CFL commissioner. I could barely make out a word he said, but apparently, Poutine Man is a no-go. I’m so pissed off…here I was thinking I was gonna be the Buckethead of Canadian Football, and this dude totally cock-blocks me. Or Poutine-blocks me….I’m not sure.
June 28th: I scored my first touchdown, tonight. I decided to celebrate it by having a giant tub of poutine built on the sidelines. and throwing it into the crowd when I scored Apparently, I gave severe facial burns to five small children, and I have to appear in court in two weeks. I regret nothing!
July 3rd: Ok….I got a little drunk last night. Word to the wise: do NOT pee on the Celine Dion statue – I got a $50,000 ticket. Doesn’t anyone in this town have a sense of humor?
July 12th: Ugh, coach is moving me to tight end. Apparently, I need to lay off the poutine – I’ve gained 30 pounds since I got here, and my 40-time is almost five seconds. Hope I don’t get cut – don’t want to join the Antarctica Football league. That’s how this works, right? Every time you start to suck more, they send you somewhere colder, right?
July 18th: Umm…yeah, don’t pee on the William Shatner statue, either.
August 4th: I got cut from the team today. See, I couldn’t quit the poutine, i was good for a few days, but then I freaked out and relapsed. I called the contractor had an entire swimming pool full of Poutine installed my backyard, and then I could be the Kendrick Lamar of poutine. I had a bunch of machines installed the would keep pushing poutine in so we’d never run out. Well, one night, one of the refieries exploded, and my entire house was filled with poutine. My only escape was to eat my way out. Unfortunately, I gained 300 pounds, I have no use on a football field, and I have to travel around in a rascal. Luckily, I get to do a reality show about losing the weight with Ralphie May. It’ll be called Ochoshrinko…ha ha ha I crack myself up.
August 7th: I head back to the States in the morning. Montreal was a fun time. i had no idea what anyone is saying, but they seemed nice enough, even if they had no sense of humor. Oh, that reminds me….
Do NOT head-butt the Jonah Keri statue.