Even in the offseason, the Buffalo Bills find a way to have tragically ludicrous and ludicrously tragic events befall their franchise. This week, they were forced to settle a class-action lawsuit for $3 million dollars from fans who were angry that they received too many texts. That probably sounds ridiculous already, but you may be wondering just how many extra texts they sent. Did they sound a thousand texts a week, thereby blowing up people’s phones at Ke$ha-esque levels?
Nope, they sent three extra texts.
Apparently, the Bills had promised that they wouldn’t send out more than five texts in the span of a week, but one man received 13 texts over a two week period. And apparently, this means he gets to have $5,000 now. My KSK colleague Sarah Sprague points out that travesties like this wouldn’t occur if we lived in a rational and just society where unlimited texting came with every plan, but sadly, we’re stuck in the fucking stone ages and shit like this will just keep happening.
Everyone else in the class action lawsuit was given debit cards to be redeemed at the Bills team store for values of $57.50, $65 or $75, based on which class tier a fan is assigned to (note: I have idea what the fuck this means. Rich Bills fans get $17.50 more than poor Bills, and $10 more than middle-class fans? Help me out here…). So, I guess some fans in the highest-class tier get to buy a crisp new E.J. Manuel jersey, while others will have to settle for either a discounted hoodie, or a moldy old Ryan Fitzpatrick jersey that’s *guaranteed* to become a classic throwback.
So yeah, this was a pretty frivolous lawsuit in which a few opportunistic people saw a chance to get some extra cash, and milked it for all it’s worth, but that’s the way life goes. A bunch of people get new Bills jerseys in exchange for receiving a few extra texts from an NFL franchise. Sunrise, sunset. We can’t help but speculate what some of those texts from the Bills might have looked like, though.
SRRY ABT RYAN FTZPTRCK AND TRNT EDWRDS AND EVRY QB SINCE THE CLNTN ADMINISTRTION
GAME N TORONTO AGAINST SEAHAWKS TMRW SRRY WE GOT THA GANGNAM STYLE DUDE FR HLFTME AN NOT DRAKE WE ASKD DRAKE SAID HE DIDN’T KNOW BUFLO HAD A FB TAEM
SRY CJ SPILR KILED YR FANASY TEM. WLD U LIKE A BILZ RFGRATOR MAGNT?
SRRY WE DRAFTD TJ GRHAAAM WITH RUSSEL WILSAN STILLL AVAIALABL WLD U LKE A FREE TJ GRHAAM JRSY?
RYAN FTZPTRCK GO A 49 ON DA WONDELICK SO U KNOW HE SUPR SMRT N GUD AT FOOTBALLL
N E ONE WNT 2 BYE A FTBALL TAEM?? R OWNR IZ LIKE SUPR OLD