NFL training camps finally open this week. That means large men on small bicycles! And pillows from home! Peter King in a poorly ventilated RV! And occasional football related activity!!! LOLNFL will return next week. In the meantime, we have an exclusive look at what you can expect to see from some of your favorite teams as they arrive at camp.
4 am: RISE ‘N SHINE, LADIES!
5 am: Breakfast. Whatever Jerry’s cookin’.
7 am: Offensive meetings run by Jerry. Defense can nap, or something.
9 am: Defensive meetings run by Jerry. Offense can nap, or something.
10 am: Lunch. Liver ‘n onions. Good for the blood.
11 am: Lock special teams in a room somewhere while the real players practice.
11 am: 7-on-7 drills with Jerry playing quarterback for both teams while Romo and Garret sit there and watch how the offense is supposed to hum.
2 pm: Drills.
4 pm: Supper. Call it dinner and you go to bed hungry.
6 pm: LIGHTS OUT.
TOP SECRET MEDIA TRAINING AGENDA: NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION (ESPECIALLY TO WASHINGTON POST)
8 am: If high schools at Indian Reservations use the name, why can’t we?
10 am: It’s about pride, not persecution
12 pm: Polling shows support for the name.
2 pm: You know Oklahoma means “red man,” right?
4 pm: Why don’t the Chiefs have to change their name?
6 pm: These people we paid seem OK with it, why aren’t you?
8 pm: More important things the Obama administration should be worrying about.
10 pm: Nightcap at the Betty Jane Tavern, home of the best firewater in Lake Hopatcog.
Tom Coughlin’s Day Planner
6 am: Morning constitutional.
7 am: Oatmeal.
8 am: Ugh, I want to go back to bed.
9 am: Seriously, I’m way too old for this shit.
11 am: DON’T CARE.
1 pm: Yell at a rookie so everyone thinks you’re paying attention.
3 pm: There must be a golf tournament I could be watching.
5 pm: I’m getting in bed.
Training Camp 2014: Day 1, by Marc Trestman
8 am: Breakfast lecture on science of baking.
10 am: Offensive football theory and the psychics of a tight spiral with guest lecturer Neil deGrasse Tyson
1 pm: Lunch lecture on diet and nutrition’s effect on the human body
3 pm: Defensive football theory and explaining the zone blitz with that guy from Big Bang Theory.
5 pm: Remind everyone that it’s Marc with a “c”.
6 am: Practice.
8 am: PRACTICE HARDER, PUSSIES.
10 am: Random blood tests to search for diabetics in our midst.
12 pm: BOMBARDMENT!
2 pm: Practice until you no longer feel feelings.
8 pm: Go to sleep so you can get up and do it better tomorrow.
Andy Reid’s Meal Planner
Monday: Meatloaf Monday
Tuesday: Taco Tuesday
Wednesday: Waffle Wednesday
Thursday: Thanksgiving Thursday
Friday: French Fry-day
8 am: Fundamentals of football: How to hold the ball when running.
10 am: Film study: Little Giants
12 pm: Fundamentals of football: Basics of the 4-3 defense.
2 pm: Review the whole holding the ball while running thing because some people clearly weren’t paying attention.
4 pm-11 pm: Scouting the 2015 NFL Draft.
Rex Ryan’s Best Training Camp Ever
8 am: Shower beer.
10 am: Omelette bar.
12 pm: Practice.
2 pm: Tell the media how many games we’re going to win and who they can go fuck if they disagree.
4 pm: Send Rob a picture of his high school girlfriend giving me a footjob.
6 pm: Steaks and blowjobs.