Happy Fourth of July eve everyone! The most lazily named holiday probably because all of our energy was expended from having to do such tiny, perfect handwriting on the Declaration of Independence. If there’s one solid argument to make about how there is definitely no treasure map on our nation’s founding documents, it’s that there’s no possible way to draw a secret code inside of a document that is writen in 3 pt Helvitica font BY HAND.
We’re doing a mock draft a day early because we won’t be here to publish it, and you won’t be around to read it tomorrow. We’re selecting the most American things we can think of, and we hope you’ll join in.
1. Eric Sollenberger selects- Light beer
It’s cheap and it’s everywhere. It doesn’t let all that nuanced crap like “flavor” get in the way of drinking a million of them. It is means to an end, and it is perfect.
2. Trevor Risk selects- Those “and TWINS” commercials.
Probably the most American thing I can think of.
3. Johnny Sugar selects- Bruce Springsteen
I could explain that pick in depth, but I’ll sound like a pretentious ass.
Springsteen fucking rules.
4. StuScottBooyahs selects- Football
5. Old James selects- Freedom of Speech
“American Hustle” wasn’t very good. There, I said it.
6. PFT Commenter selects- The America dream
Which means nowdays that even a the smallest immegrant boy can oneday grow up to be any thing he wants even president
7. Christmas Ape selects- Drive-thru weddings
8. Sarah Sprague selects- Bill Murray
9. Dave Rappoccio selects- Michael Bay
10. Big Sandy selects- Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue
The puberty cornerstone of so many American lives.
11. Big Sandy selects- NASCAR
We go to war over oil, yet every year there are 36 races in which 40-plus cars line up to drive in a circle for 400 to 600 miles, burning through so much gas, oil, exhaust, and rubber that you can feel the hole in the ozone grilling you in Talledega all while Billy screams obscenities at Jeff Gordon from the the lawn chair on top of his RV parked in the infield grass. It is excess, it is waste, it is a spectacle. It is America.
12. Dave Rappoccio selects- Fat people on motor scooters with american flags shopping at Walmart
13. Sarah Sprague selects- Dolly Parton
14. Christmas Ape selects- Jazz
15. PFT Commenter selects- Having a dog
No other country’s are as good as us at owning cool dogs and teacheing them tricks like “get me a beer” and “quit being scare of fireworks”
16. Old James selects- This song:
I spent a good amount of time considering taking porn with this pick. Which, in itself, means we live in the greatest country on Earth. No song describes that patriotic feeling better.
17. StuScottBooyahs selects- Has no one drafted “losing in the World Cup”?
ed: StuScottBooyahs is an asshole
18. Johnny Sugar selects- The Beach Boys
I think it’s a nice pairing with Springsteen.
19. Trevor Risk selects- Getting a Canadian to draft America things on Canada Day.
That’s actually probably the most American thing I can think of.
20. Eric Sollenberger selects- The Simpsons