Anyone who knows me will tell you that what I lack in skill, talent, athleticism, tact, punctuality, hygiene, and self control, I more than make up with in ambition, gumption, and stick-to-itiveness. This is why that after my failed attempt at coaching the Browns, I did not give up. In fact, I set my sights higher.
This offseason, I decided I’d finally work towards my goal of being an NFL quarterback.
I didn’t really know where to start, but I figured a good first step would be tweeting “I, RobotsFightingDinosaurs, officially declare my free agency” out to my followers. Within the hour, I had received multiple direct messages from the front offices of the Cleveland Browns, the Tennessee Titans, and the Oakland Raiders. Later that week, the Raiders’ staff flew me out to Oakland to check out the stadium and work out with the team.
I brought my own helmet, a visorless, maskless throwback to show that I would be tough enough to play with the big boys. People seemed impressed by my confidence, and the field was silent as I took my first practice snap with the Oakland Raiders.
It went very, VERY poorly.
But I was still better than Matt Schaub, and the thing they have backing him up. I think they call it a “McGloin”?
Artist’s Depiction of a “McGloin”, via GygaxianBagofHolding
By the end of my visit, I was offered a modest contract as a 3rd string QB for the Raiders. It’s not glamorous, but I am finally living my dream, and I promise that I will work my way up the ranks and lead the Raiders to a Super Bowl berth.
This will be a continuing saga chronicling my time with the Raiders. If you wish to follow my progress live, Kissing Suzy Kolber has set up a streaming feed where you can watch my games live as they are played. I will also be mic’ed up, so that you can hear my commentary. You can subscribe to the feed to get notifications on when games are starting, and I will also be making announcements on my own personal twitter account as well as on the @KissMeSuzy twitter feed. The first stream will take place this Sunday afternoon.
Come with me and share the highs and the lows of being a real quarterback in the National Football League. It’ll be a great adventure, one I’m sure I won’t soon forget.