DeSean Jackson’s Empty Locker:
Mark Sanchez: Okay, Mark. Today’s the day you do it. You’ve been here nearly five months, it’s time to move your stuff into your locker. I know Shonn’s not going to be here, his old locker is not going to be here, and I have to get used to being on my own. I can do this.
[Unzips 24 Hour Fitness gym bag. Reaches in and grabs a bottle of John Varvatos Artisan Black cologne and sets it on the footstool. He pauses to look at it, looks around the Eagles locker room and starts to reach into his bag…]
*[MUSICAL RINGTONE] ‘CAUSE IT’S A BITTER SWEET SYMPHONY THAT’S MY LIFE… TRYING TO MAKE ENDS MEET…*
Mark Sanchez: Who could be calling now? Silky?
Silky Garrard: Young Mr. Sanchez, Silky believes he has finally have been able to secure you another starting quarterback position benefiting of a man your caliber. It took more time than Silky expected as House Silky does not have proper relations with the midwestern Sicilians, but Silky’s ladies were able to take over lawn and turf care in St. Louis, and Mr. Bradford did not take to their use of the finest Bud Platinum as field shine spray before the game. Silky now waits for the Rams of St. Louis to call him and ask of the availability of a certain Young Mark Sanchez.
Mark Sanchez: St. Louis? But, that’s in the middle of no where. No one knows anything about the Rams.
Silky Garrard: Young Mr. Sanchez, Silky is not used to having one of Silky’s ladies speak back to him in such a manner. Do you not believe I have your best interests at heart? Did you not say you wanted to be a starting quarterback?
Mark Sanchez: Yes, but I…
Silky Gerrard: And did you not agree to give Silky the cut due to him as his agent for signing for a bigger deal? A bigger deal that means more money for both Young Mr. Sanchez and Mr. Gerrard?
Mark Sanchez: Yeah, but…
Silky Garrard: If Mr. Sanchez can give Silky one reason why he cannot leave a backup position in Philadelphia for a starting position in St. Louis, then he can stay even if it means less money for House Gerrard.
Mark Sanchez: I… I… [looks around the locker room, panicked] I unpacked my cologne today. I do not want to go to St. Louis. This is my home.
Silky Garrard: Well, this an entirely situation. House Silky had no idea you had put your scent down marking your territory and believed you were still working out of your gym bag. Apologies, Young Mr. Sanchez. Silky apologizes for not being completely up to date on your situation and assures you the young woman charged with keeping us informed on your current state will not receive her Bud Platinum allowance for the week. No, better yet, she shall drink it from the field of St. Louis.
[A muffled whimper is heard emanating from DeSean Jackson’s Empty Locker]
Mark Sanchez: (Quietly) Silky, do you think I’m only good enough to start in St. Louis?
Silky Garrard: Poor Young Mr. Sanchez. No son, Silky believes we have many more beautiful starting opportunities still to come this season for many beautiful dollars for all of us. The ladies of House Gerrard have been working tirelessly around the country for your behalf. Denver, Dallas, New York, Chicago…
Mark Sanchez: Cleveland?
Silky Garrard: No, Cleveland seems to be making a mess without Silky needing to be involved. Young Sanchez need not worry what is happening behind the scenes. Just know we are all working to get him another starting position in a city he would like to go to that is not St. Louis.
Mark Sanchez: You’re the best, Silky. Thanks for not making me go to die in the middle of no where.
Silky Garrard: Do not worry yourself, Young Mark Sanchez. You’ll pay me back for this favor eventually.