Football season starts in just two days, which means we’re going to be seeing a lot of quarterbacks over the next five months. But how many NFL signal callers would we actually want to be pals with? Let’s go down the list and try to figure out which NFL starting QBs would be your new best friends, and which ones would be undesirable douchebros.
Tom Brady: I feel like schlubby Michigan Tom Brady, who was barely better than Drew Henson and couldn’t talk to girls would be fun to hang with. The current incarnation? Not so much. You’d be hanging out, sippin’ on fancy champagne, and then in the next room, you’d hear Gisele shouting at the maid. You’d like at Tom, and he gives you this look back like yeah, I know dude. Then, 20 minutes later, you hear him shouting at the maid, and you’re just like “Ok, fuck these people.”
E.J. Manuel: Literally all I know about this guy is that he plays video games with Tajh Boyd. Seems nice enough, I guess.
Ryan Tannehill: He would get the sneaking suspicion that you were just coming over to see his wife, but he’d be afraid to call you on it. He would not be wrong.
Geno Smith:I know nothing about him whatsoever, so…
Michael Vick: You would want to ask him about the dogs. Seriously, 2014 Michael Vick could be a perfectly nice guy, but all you’d be thinking about is the dogs. And he would literally do anything to avoid bringing up that subject.
Ben Roethlisberger: NO
Andy Dalton: Seems like he’d be way too happy, and he’d keep wanting to talk to you about Jesus.
Joe Flacco: IS JOE FLACCO’S COMPANY ELITE? Eh, maybe. The consensus about Flacco is that he’s really boring, but I bet he’s the good kind of boring, where he’s a friendly, inoffensive guy whose jokes are always super-predictable, but somehow you don’t mind.
Brian Hoyer: He’s tough, he’s gritty, he studied under Tom Brady. OF COURSE YOU WANT TO HANG WITH HIM!
Johnny Manziel: Underrated aspect of JFF: even though he seems like a huge douche, he kinda seems like a fun douche. Like, Justin Bieber just seems like a fucking monster at this point, but Manziel would probably be a riot to get plastered with.
Andrew Luck: He’s the guy you call when you need your computer fixed.
Jake Locker: Fun enough guy when he’s around, but he’s always either on business or in the hospital. And any time you try to point out that he’s actually a good friend, the conversation will turn immediately to how he’s almost never around.
Ryan Fitzpatrick: Constantly mentions that he went to Harvard, even when there’s no way it could possibly come up in the conversation organically. Eventually, you realize this is because he literally he has no other notable attributes.
Chad Henne: Seems like he’d be the Lutz/Jerry Gergich of your group of friends. Like, you could constantly give him shit about Appalachian State (“hey bro, can you get me Armanti Edwards’ autograph?”), and he’d just take it because he desperately wants to be part of the group.
Blake Bortles: See Tannehill, Ryan.
Peyton Manning: I don’t even have a joke here. I’d love to be friends with Peyton Manning, and so would you.
Alex Smith: Perfectly serviceable friend who you would ditch the second a better friend became available.
Philip Rivers: Somehow, he manages to smile all the time AND seem angry all the time. Plus, he endorsed Santorum, so he’s super Christian-y, and openly homophobic. Not your best bet to say the least.
Matt Schaub: Never stops listening to Swans and reading his shitty poetry. You seem him when you want to get wasted on absinthe. [Ed. note: Derek Carr is the starter now but you probably would just call him David and make it weird]
Tony Romo: Didn’t he put a sign outside his house telling Jessica Simpson to stay out? Yeah, I think I can do without this guy.
Nick Foles: The thing is, he’s fine, but he always hangs out with that super-racist guy, and it makes you really uncomfortable. Actually, this should be Nick Foles’ theme song:
Eli Manning: A fun dude 99% of time except for those few nights where he gets really drunk and won’t stop yelling about his brother. I GOT TWO RINGS PEYTON SHUCK IT!!!
Robert Griffin III:Honestly, he’s a really hard guy to get a read on. Sometimes, he seems like a riot, other times he seems like he might secretly be kind of a jerk. Whatever, I’ll go on a limb and say he’d be fun to play Madden with.
Jay Cutler: Remember those Two A-Holes sketches on SNL? That’s Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari. Also, they think vaccines will turn your kid into an autistic rabbit.
Aaron Rodgers: He seems deliberately boring, playing the straight man in every commercial, and trying as hard to do as little boat-rocking as possible. Which leads to me to believe he’s completely fucking crazy in real life. You’d go out with him, and you wouldn’t come back for three days.
Matthew Stafford: He was that sort of awkward looking kid in high school who got straight Cs, and seemed completely insignificant except he was ALWAYS making out with his girlfriend in the hallways because he wanted everyone to know that he had a girlfriend. Not the worst dude to hang with, but there are definitely better options.
Matt Cassel: He was the dude in high school who knew all the popular kids, so it seemed like he was popular, except no one really had any idea why. You’d hang with him, and he’d keep name-dropping his more successful, famous friends.
Drew Brees: Brees represents the distinction between a douchebag and an asshole. Because I don’t doubt that Drew Brees is generally a good person, but all of his interests seem awful, and you just get the feeling that he’d be woefully unpleasant to hang out with. He’s the guy you’d feel genuinely happy for, but would never, ever want to spend an extended amount of time with.
Cam Newton: I don’t want to make a hacky stolen laptop joke, but I know almost nothing else about him, so this is a bit of bind. Whatever, he comes off like a nice enough dude most of the time.
Josh McCown: You’ve been friends with him forever, except you only hang out like once a year. Then, one night you have an amazing time, and you think maybe he should be your new best friend. Then, the next time, he’s as boring as usual, and you realize the only reason last time was so much fun was because you had the perfect set of circumstances. You promptly go back to calling him once a year.
Matt Ryan:The most boring person on Earth. Makes Joe Flacco seems like Bobcat Goldthwait on bath salts.
Russell Wilson: Despite his goody-goody reputation, and that fact that his Twitter handle is @DangeRussWilson, I feel like he’s way more fun than he lets on. He was that kid in elementary school who got straight As, and would always make super nice with teachers, then, the second they weren’t looking, he’d show you a Playboy, and ask if you wanted to set off a cherry bomb.
Colin Kapernick: The fucking bicep kiss! The fucking bicep kiss! He’s the guy who would always be really nice to you, but still somehow seem like a jerk. “Hey bro, how’ve you been? Come on man, let’s chat!” And you’d just keep walking.
Carson Palmer: I keep forgetting that Carson Palmer is in his mid 30s. Probably because when you think of a dude from USC named Carson Palmer, you think of a super-chill bro in his early 20s. I bet if you talk to him now, he spends half the time telling you how much sex he had in 2003, and the other half expressing his desire to murder Kimo von Oelhofeen.
Sam Bradford:See Locker, Jake.