Darren Rovell is the worst. We can all agree on that, right?
If you’re still unsure, try following him on Twitter for a week. Or, for the sake of your sanity, simply click on the handy “Darren Rovell” tag on Uproxx. The most recent post you’ll see is video of Rovell getting down on one knee to Kate Upton if she’ll be his valentine. She rejects him, because she is the best, and the rest is awkward television history. The video is good, but we have some ideas on how it could have reached that elusive next level.
• “Sorry, I need my Valentine to have more Twitter followers than I do.”
• An appearance by Piotor the CNBC karate bear.
• “No. I’m a teenager and you’re the creepy guy who follows me around at industry parties.”
• Justin Tuck looking uncomfortable in the background.
• A detailed analysis of how much income the SI Swimsuit issue generates for the swimsuit industry. (not really)
• Upton rejecting his proposal in a tweet and misspelling his handle.
• A pregnant Mrs. Rovell showing up with divorce papers and Maury Povich, who tells Rovell that the kid isn’t his.
• A scroll on the bottom of the screen announcing Rovell’s plummeting Klout score.
• Viewers find Upton’s unapproachability to be off-putting. Sales of SoBe Lifewater plummet, throwing the economy into a tailspin, putting several more millions out of work. Unemployed pitchfork mob takes out frustrations on Rovell.
• Upton unfollows Rovell. Rovell goes into an expletive-laced tirade as CNBC cuts to commercial. They come back from commercial to apologize and inform the horrified audience that Rovell has been fired.