New Orleans, your 15 minutes are up.
After the earthquake in Haiti earlier this week, you are no longer the devastation darling that endeared you to so many Americans back in 2005. You wooed us with your water damage, and the plight of your people tugged at our heartstrings amid your spurts of cantankerous looting. You were a fun little retarded brother to have around, New Orleans. But now it’s time for you to go.
It’s time for you to resume being the Coonass Las Vegas to all of the drunks, whores and tit-deprived youngsters of southeast America. Finally, in this period of transition, we can stop pretending that you ever were a real city. Even Indianapolis relies on media of exchange other than beads and frontal nudity, and even the worst cops in Cincinnati wouldn’t have the gall to loot their own town. And not even Marion Barry, in his highest hour, would go on television in the wake of Hurricane Katrina and tell all the white people to, generally speaking, get the fuck out of town.
And that, somehow, brings us to the New Orleans Saints. The Saints literally take cash payments from the city and the state to the tune of about $15 million a year. As the city was mildewing around them, the team was getting eight-figure annual payments just to not leave. And then it was like, “Oh, America loves the Saints.” Bullshit. America loved the Saints in much the same way as we loved Corky from “Life Goes On.” We’re generally indifferent, but we’re keeping an eye out in case somebody falls down a flight of stairs.
Of course, New Orleans could just give it up and let the team move to LA. And while it might seem lewd to part a team from its fans at first brush, pro football in California makes more long-term sense than pro football in Louisiana. But the idea of taking away Corky’s one precious toy is too much to bear for the rest of the world (It’s somewhat amazing that in the midst of all that flooding and destruction that Tom Benson was the only one that actually wanted to leave). At least when Benson tried to run his team out of town, he did it without robbing a Walmart.
So enjoy it, New Orleans. Enjoy this playoff run like it’s your last, because it very well might be. The Saints are the only organization in your city run with any modicum of efficiency. We’ll be over here fawning over this other shithole in Haiti now. If you want the attention back on your fair town, you’ll have to earn it. Good luck. You bastards are gonna need it.