When we last left power taster Peter King, he was graduating from Idiotic A&M and dishing out all the juicy Montclair Rumors Of The Week you can handle. Did Jeter buy a house? Why won’t Mr. Watkins down the street trim those rose bushes? I HEAR THE MAN WHO JUST MOVED IN ON PARKVIEW TERRACE IS A CONVICTED SEX OFFENDER. Important stuff you need to know in a national football column.
So what about this week? Did Max Hall impress Peter with yet another gallant fumble? Are you aware of this LaRon Landry fellow? HE EXISTS! Will the semi-decimation of Indy continue semi-unabated? And will Pete watch tonight’s Game 3 of the ALCS? Little factoid for you that you didn’t know: Each team has won one game apiece in this series. Tell me your skull isn’t blown. READ ON.
So many thoughts.
-Who knew you could get Starbucks coffee cold in a supermarket?
-Good for you, Atlanta. Your airport has a well-organized rental car facility.
-Magnets. How do they work?
Eighteen games? Are you serious? Tell the six Eagles who’ve suffered concussions this year — we’re six weeks into the season — that adding two games is no big hazard to your health. Right.
LEAGUE: Adding two games every year is no big hazard to your health.
SIX EAGLES WHO HAVE SUFFERED CONCUSSIONS THIS YEAR: Turkey drumstick otter dong?
Don’t tell me this is the culture we want.
In some ways, aren’t WE to blame for DeSean Jackson nearly getting his neck broken? Aren’t WE the ones crying out for big hits? Aren’t WE the ones who are still dependent on foreign oil? And undergoing dangerous fertility treatments? TELL ME THIS AISN’T ALL CONNECTED.
It might be the culture kids are used to in video games…
It’s these damn kids! With their Segas and their Weewees and their GameBots. We are selling our players down the river to the likes of Timmy Maxwell, who is short of pube!
…but the NFL has to draw a line in the sand right here, right now, and insist that the forearm shivers and leading with the helmet and launching into unprotected receivers will be dealt with severely. Six-figure fines. Suspensions. Ejections.
Flights on Air Tran. Skim-based latte foam. Confiscation of the Baltimore Sun. You know, REAL punishments.
The Vikings are more than alive.
They’re double alive? Extra alive? What is the next stage of life status?
They might be a Brett Favre/Green Bay melodrama-away from becoming the favorites in the NFC North.
Except that they have NO pass protection and a QB who will hand deliver you a loss unless Mike Jenkins is stupid enough to drop a certain pick-six.
There’s been a Tim Tebow sighting. Came in the end zone.
I bet you did.
Dallas is 1-4. San Diego is 2-4. There’s a new standard for despair, and those two teams are setting it.
The DEFINE despondentness.
(Two other NFL teams are actually entirely winless)
“The Eagle Quarterback Story.” Coming to a theater near you.
Can’t wait for that! What a story it is! And don’t miss out on these other awesome movies, coming soon from Peter King productions:
-“Gran Larceny: How The Nutley Mall Extorted Me Out Of Being Able to See Eastwood’s Latest”
-“Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At Bill Parcells”
-“My Dinner With Arian”
I said this on NBC last night, but it bears repeating: Vick and Kolb like each other.
Has it soaked in yet? PETER WAS TOLD BY THESE MEN THAT THEY HAVE A CORDIAL RELATIONSHIP. A Pats official told him so, which means it is fucking OAK. Notarize it and commit it to memory.
Sensitive Ben is back.
Because up until a couple years ago, Ben Roethlisberger was the sweetest cocky Ohio redneck asshole you’ll ever meet.
He’s not crazy about the “Big Ben” handle anymore.
BEN NO LIKE BEING CALLED TALL. TALL TOO CLOSE TO RAPENESS.
“It sounds funny, but it was great to get hit again,” (Ben) said.
BEN BRAIN ONLY WORK IF HIT, LIKE OLD TELEVISION.
When he stepped into the huddle for the first time, Roethlisberger said nothing memorable but will remember the looks he saw around him. “Smily,” he said.
Holy shit, that is the most perfect Ben quote of all time. SMILY. That should be the entirety of his Wikipedia entry.
“I think about it a lot,” (Deion Branch) told me over the phone from the Patriots’ locker room. “My brother and my father do too. They say, ‘You’d be ready to put a gold [Hall of Fame] jacket on if you stayed.’ ”
Did Dunta Robinson knock them the fuck out too?
Tom Brady and Terrell Suggs got in each other’s grills Sunday
TOM: Look at your hair! THAT IS NOT FASHION FORWARD! YOU NEED PRODUCT!
TERRELL: Fuck you, faggot.
The Rams are almost relevant.
/crossword clue in waiting
The Vikings rose to 2-3 with their 24-21 win over the Cowboys. They have to do some winning, obviously, and it’d help if Brett Favre stays out of Goodell Jail.
That jail, by the way, is a rest stop that Goodell drop you off at and leaves you alone for a month with John Madden. GARF GARF BOY DURR I TELL YA COACHES LIKE PLAYERS WHO PLAY AND TOM BRADY PLAYS LIKE A PLAYER GARF
Tebow scores. Quietly.
Of course he scores quietly. If he did it too loud, Jesus would hear and the covenant would be broken.
I talked with Tebow last week to ask how he was coping with not playing
“Tim, how are you FEELING? Can I get you an Illy? They’re quite good. Let me fetch this velvet footstool for your feet. Now, onto my tough question: What’s it like being so wonderful all the time?”
One more note on the Top 100 (of football) series: Each player is introduced by an admirer. Usually those admirers are from the football world, but this week’s show, counting down from 30 to 21, will include a couple of baseball players. I was provided a preview of the two segments they’re a part of. A couple snippets:
Alex Rodriguez, who chose to wear number 13 as a Yankee in honor of Dan Marino, on the Miami quarterback: “Since he retired, I’ve never really gone back or watched the Dolphins. It’s hard. It’s like having to watch the Orioles without Cal Ripken.”
Jesus, Alex Rodriguez is the worst front-runner in the history of everything ever. What do you mean, you’d STILL watch your team after a good player left? Well, that makes no sense, silly!”
New Orleans (4-2). Probably falling back in love with the Saints too quickly.
STOP PLYING ME WITH WINE YOU STOLE FROM JERRY JONES, SEAN PAYTON!
8. Tennessee (3-2). Ten days ago, I talked to Jeff Fisher with some concern about Chris Johnson’s 3.8-yards-per-carry average. If I could quote a man giving me a dismissive sound over the phone, I would.
I bet you could.
/turns on voice mail saved from Jeff Fisher
/hears mustache bristle
12. Green Bay (3-3). Favre vs. Aaron Rodgers Sunday night in Green Bay. Man on a wire versus team on a wire.
This wins our weekly award of Most Tortured PK Sentence. It’s like someone took a cliché and somehow made into even MORE of a cliché. One Game At A Time versus One Game At A Moment In History. Of Time.
If New England played Baltimore on a neutral field in Wichita tomorrow, I like the Ravens. Same with the Jets…
Sorry. An official decided that game at Houston. If the Chiefs and Texans play tomorrow in Wichita, I’m taking Kansas City.
Because when you want to pick a neutral field for the Chiefs to play on, you pick Wichita.
“When you’re sitting here as a chubby head coach in the National Football League and you have two good quarterbacks, you’re a happy guy.”
Andy Reid, the aforementioned chubby head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, after his second quarterback who used to be his first quarterback, Kevin Kolb, played as well Sunday against Atlanta as Mike Vick did in his two wins.
“When you’re sitting here as chubby head coach who has no idea how to handle the clock, and always chooses the exact worst moment to display no urgency of any kind. And you have two QB’s who can beat any team in the NFC because the NFC is so hilariously mediocre, you’re a happy guy.”
“No Moss. No problem.”
ESPN’s Ron Jaworski, on the “NFL Matchup” show Sunday morning, saying he doesn’t think the Patriots will be crippled by the loss of Randy Moss. When Sal Paolantonio, the host, pointed out that Moss “made Wes Welker” by opening up the middle of the field for him, Jaworski looked like he immediately smelled a skunk.
Wes Welker yesterday: 53 yards on 7 catches. LET SEE YOU BARELY AVERAGE OVER SEVEN YARDS A CATCH LIKE WELKER DOES, SAL. THIS YOUNG MAN IS SPECIAL.
I fucking hate Ron Jaworski.
4. Chris Johnson, RB, Tennessee. I can feel a great run coming up for this great runner.
He’s a runner on a wire!
The Chargers lost twice in Missouri in the span of 34 days.
But in Wichita, they’d be fucking UNSTOPPABLE.
Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week
Not a big fan of princesses, either in the real world or the travel world.
Well, those are two categories of princess I always think of.
Across the aisle from me Saturday morning on the Acela was one of them.
Were you the frog?
Walked onto the train in Boston. Took one look at a four-seat table with the large card saying, “Reserved for parties of 3 or more,” threw the card on the floor, and then sat there, alone but with a invisible force field around her, for the entire trip.
How can she do that? This is Acela, the only civilized mode of transport left. If the rules of Acela fall, WE AS A NATION FALL. THIS FUCKING JAP IS THE REASON DESEAN JACKSON GOT HIT SO HARD.
Despite the announcement advising passengers to please keep your feet off the seats, she put her Uggs on the leather seat in front of her.
UGGS! SHE IS YOUNG AND INDIFFERENT! I BET SHE PLAYS GAMES OF VIDEO.
She talked too loudly on the phone, with an annoying lilt to her voice.
“Omigod, Jenny! There is this man in a walking boot sitting across from me, and he smells like coffee and buttered popcorn. It’s GROSS.”
I’m quite glad when we got to New York, I headed for the subway uptown and she headed for parts unknown.
That princess’s name? The Fabulous Moolah.
Good for you, Houston Texans, having a week of activities celebrating your local veterans and the USO at practice and then at your game with the Chiefs Sunday. Can’t do enough for them.
I love it when Peter dishes out compliments to entire entities, as he does with the Texans and the entire city of Detroit.
“Proud of you, Rwanda. I’ve heard of little massacring from you lately.”
“Grittiness, Domino Sugar. Your sugar lacks it, which is why I keep coming back to you.”
“Well done, Canada. For syrup and health insurance, you can’t be beat.”
Aaron Rodgers! You found Greg Jennings again!
f. I like Charley Casserly –a lot — and have great respect for his football knowledge. And I think he’s doing a fine job at his new job with CBS as the info guy. But just after 4 p.m. Saturday, I reported on NBC that NFL VP of Security Milt Ahlerich would meet on Tuesday with Favre to discuss the Favre-Jenn Sterger controversy. I put the info out on Twitter immediately, and profootballtalk.com posted it within an hour. It was on several other blogs. Twenty hours after it was made public, Casserly said, “we have learned” Ahlerich would debrief Favre on Tuesday.
g. I mean, just saying.
h. That Charley is a thief and liar.
i. And he has a horrible toupee.
j. Seriously, fucking look at it. It looks like he skinned a deer and jammed it on there.
k. I heard Charley’s real name is Galen Bargo, and that he was convicted of stabbing a 9-year-old girl in 1987. Just saying.
j. How does Dallas hold Minnesota to 188 yards, corral Adrian Peterson (25 touches, 71 yards) and not do enough to win?
k. Well, start with 11 more penalties, I guess. How in the world does Wade Phillips survive? I mean, how does he survive October, never mind the season.
Things are about…
a. to get very weird
b. with Peter’s lettering
d. by ee cummings
f. read on if you dare!
m. I can’t think of a coach under more pressure than Houston defensive coordinator Frank Bush, even after Sunday’s Houdini of a Texan win in Houston.
n. Unless you start talking Wade Phillips
Again, doesn’t seem to require separate letters.
4. UNLESS YOU START TALKING NUMBERS.
q. Hands, Ray Rice. Hands.
You have them!
I think the word on the street is the two masseuses in the Favre case are getting lawyered up and may emerge to make some charges in the case this week.
But are they just looking for extra attention? Ah, there’s the… rub? Huh?
I think the one thing I find odd about the NFL’s investigation into the alleged text and phone messages sent by Favre to Sterger is that we’re in Day 10 of this probe, and as of Sunday, no one from the league had contacted A.J. Daulerio of Deadspin.com, the site that bought the incriminating evidence and put it on display for all to see.
NFL: Mr. Daulerio?
AJ: (unconscious due to Vicodin addiction): Durrrrrrr…
NFL: Mr. Daulerio, are you there?
AJ: FUCK OFF! I’M NOT TAKING DOWN YOUR PICTURE FROM THE SITE, YOU BRASSY CUNT! FAIR USE FAIR USE FAIR USE! (listens to Iron Maiden record)
I think — and this is nothing I know, just something I think
Shouldn’t this be a disclaimer at the top of the column each week?
Run, do not walk, to see Waiting for Superman, the movie about the crisis in education, and teaching standards, in this country.
You’ll learn many…
A. Things, like why unions are preventing good teachers from telling kids…
&: How to make a proper outline.
Rest in peace, Barbara Billingsley. The best sitcom actress of my youth died Saturday at 94. She was June Cleaver on Leave It To Beaver, the show I cannot turn away from to this day. I see a Beaver rerun on TV, and I stop in my tracks like it’s Animal House or North By Northwest.
You are old.
In honor of June’s death, I give you my three favorite Barbara Billingsley Quotes of Her Life:
Please note the letters:
e. June, with a worried expression, to her seething husband: “Oh Ward, you’re being too hard on the Beaver.”
f. Billingsley, in the 1980 movie Airplane, trying to help the flight attendant speak the language of two inner-city passengers: “Oh, stewardess … I speak jive.”
g. Billingsley, to one of the inner-city passengers, telling him the flight attendant was going to get medical help: “Jus’ hang loose blood — she gonna catch up onna rebound on the med side.”
So you see, those are actually Peter’s fifth through seventh favorite Billingsley quotes of all time. What are his four ACTUAL favorites, i.e. a through d? Well, that’s tough, for a good Barbara Billingsley quote is like chemistry…
h. Imagine how many takes it must have taken for a prim 64-year-old mom to get that right.
Imagine how hard it is to talk like a black person.
Her accent — perfect.
No annoying lilt of any kind!
i. You know, it’s not easy going from a mini-review of Waiting For Superman right into a tribute of June Cleaver.
HOLY SHIT YOU’RE STILL DOING IT.
j. Coffeenerdness: The one flaw of the Acela is the horribly watered-down coffee.
AND LOUD JAPS!
I want to like Green Mountain coffee, and I’ve had some good blends of it. But the stuff they serve on the train is borderline useless, coffee-flavored water if I’ve ever tasted it.
THIS DOES NOT TASTE OF POWER!
k. Anybody No. 1 in college football? Not to parrot Tony Dungy or anything, but how is anyone better than Oregon? Except maybe Oklahoma or Boise State.
There’s no #1 team in college ball. Except Oregon. They’re clearly the best. Except maybe not. GOOD THING IT MEANS NOTHING. If I had to rank the ten best teams in College football, here’s how I would rank them:
f. Boise St.
$: Derek Jeter
Cody Ross Note That He Probably Won’t Remember: I stood with my brothers Bob and Ken, and my brother-in-law Bob Whiteley, behind the batting cage in Jupiter, Fla., in March at Marlins camp. Ross was a Marlins outfielder at the time.
And we close again with that crucial Marlins tidbit you were just aching to hear.