“I know your phone number.”
According to one of the fan testimonials in Big Daddy Drew’s This Is Why Your Team Sucks Series, Panthers owner, and darkest timeline Ted Kennedy, Jerry Richardson apparently spends his downtime responding to complaints by his team’s PSL-purchasing fan base personally.
A friend bought PSLs a few years ago before we drafted Cam Newton, and in his frustration at the high price of watching a shit team, emailed the Panthers front office to vent. Somehow, someway Ol’ Jerry found about the email and called him. Did he call to save “have hope” or “things will get better”? No. He called to tell my friend to stop complaining and be grateful that Charlotte has an NFL team. He then preceded to degrade him for about 2 minutes and threaten to take his PSLs WITHOUT a refund, then abruptly hung up on my friend. I wish I was making this up.
Although technically hearsay, it’s fun to imagine Ol’ J Richie Rich tossing papers off his ivory desk and screaming “Get me my rolodex!” at his beehive hairdo-ed assistant and rotating the dial on his speaking telegraph to shout about how lucky fans are to even HAVE a team in their city, like an abusive husband keeping his poor wife down.
It’s even more fun to imagine him as the guy from Lost Highway, making our collective testicles shrink inside us with shivering fear.