A Woman is Your Friend. Do Not Beat On Her. Love, Cherish and Protect Her.

06.01.09 9 years ago 38 Comments

Brandon Marshall: Aw damn damndamndamndamndamn! These Bob Ley, Josh Barr, Outside the Lines gotcha-reporters are trying to bring the hammer down on me, only cause I maybe roughed up my girlfriend, like, a couple dozen times. Like Larry Fitzgerald and Randy Moss never been accused of this! It’s practically a rite of passage for big play receivers. Plaxico beat on his girl a bunch and it wasn’t until he shot himself in the club that he got in trouble. Even bad receivers be gettin’ breaks. Matt Jones would have to chew off a baby’s head on camera before he gets suspended. And they’d probably only give him a game. Why are they all ganging up on me? Why am I always the victim?

You gotta help me out. How do I kick this? You been going through heat with this for months and you still got a career. Let’s get some advice, man. Anything.

Chris Brown: The fuck you talking about?

Brandon Marshall: Nahnahnah. Don’t front. “I need you boooooo. Gotta beat you boooooo. And your face’s all over the wall tonight. With youuuuuu with youuuuu with youuuuuuu” That shit. You know who you is. Busted up Rihanna. Damn near cratered her face. I’ve seen the pictures. Gruesome shit. If I’m not mistaken you landed the 3-2-3-4 combo. My hook needs work so I usually stick with the jab and the straight. Anyway, you know where I’m coming from. You wanna grab some McDonald’s and talk it out? I mean, you definitely look like you beat on some girls.

Chris Brown: I think you got it flipped. That’s that pretty boy singer, not me. It’s common first name matched with a common last name. See that dude over there, he’s Kris Brown too.

Brandon Marshall: Aw, fer’real? [Stomps toward Kris Brown]

Look, man. We need to talk about this woman hitting thing. How come you got out of it so easy? What’s the secret?

Kris Brown: Dude, the secret is that I’m not that Chris Brown. I’m even not black.For fuck’s sake, we don’t spell our names the same way.

Brandon Marshall: All right. I get it, I get what you’re saying. You change your skin tone when you want to beat up on white bitches. Hey, no worries. I respect the technique. My assault game is not that evolved. But it’s a little amateurish to change your name to something so similar, like nobody’s gonna pick up on that. Give people credit.

Kris Brown: I’m not Chris Brown, the entertainer, I’m Kris Brown, the kicker.

Brandon Marshall: Kick ’em, punch ’em, slap ’em with a clothing iron. Don’t matter to me which way you throttled ’em. I just need to know how you rose above.

Kris Brown: All right.

[Breathes into hand over his mouth]

How’s this: you issue a half-hearted public apology and eventually she takes you back or the public and media forget about it entirely within weeks?

Brandon Marshall: It’s worked for me before.

Kris Brown: Great. So you’ll be fucking off, then?

Brandon Marshall: Yes.



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