Mount Flushmore – AFC South

06.12.13 4 years ago 67 Comments


Time for the AFC South,,which is ironically what i tell my ex-stepson to call his poop. Over the years this division has only won 1 Superbowl and it was against a team with a coach/qb combo of Rex Grossman and Lovie Smith which I could of won with Dallas Clark so I certainly had my pick of the litter box with this HIV-ision.

Indianapolis Colt’s:

Mike Vanderjagt- Mike was literally the most accurate kicker in the history of the league until he missed that kick verse the Steelers. I just dont trust kickers matter fact Im in favor of linemen doing all the kicking because of accountability. Mikes now best known as a cautionary tale that if your a kicker you need to spend more time on gameday splitting the uprights then you do splitting pitchers of AfterShock.

Marvin Harrison- Between playing pro sports, owning car washes, then shooting someone for disrespect, the last 5 years of Marvins life are actually perfectly timed to be narrated by every Ludacris skit back to back to back. Marvin got alot of credit for being a teamguy on account of he played at the same times as  Diva Receivas TO and Randy Moss, so basicly all he had to do was not stab Tony Dungy over a game of dominos and Peter King was going to call him MLK-ish.

Jim Irsay- “Oh! Irsay can you see?” Not if its after 11 AM folks. Jims a party animal unfortunately that animal is a dehydrated gorilla with a smartphone and turrets. TRUE STORY: Jim didnt know he was Jewish til he was 14 so I call him Teddy Roosevelt on account of his leather helmet. Also Jim played college ball at SMU in 82 with Craig James and Im just saying if anyones family had enough money to make a honest to God Quentin Tarentino of a whoreslaughter go away its the Irsays,, not saying he did but do we look dumb?

Chuck Pagano- Listen Im not here to make fun of a guy who allegedly had a miraculous unprecedented recovery or call him a liar anymore then its already been implied in the mainstream media,, but Im just going to point out some facts. Bruce Arians= 9-3,, Chuck Pagano= 3-3. Im no math student but even the intercity kids from those AT&T commercials can tell you 9 beats 3. Im going to be on the right side of history on this one Arians is a star and letting him walk away will come back to haunt them.


Jacksonville Jaguars:

Their fans- I mean this in not necessarily a mean way but Jacksonvillianites arent the brightest people even for Florida standards. Remember when they hosted the Superbowl and all there was to use as a background for Boomers ESPN set was the underside of a bridge like he was some sort of common troll? This town doesnt have the fanbase to open a travel clinic much less a football field because they make very little money also in Jacksonville and theyll lose their team to England within 5 years no offense to the good people of Jacksonville.

Matt Jones- A QB in college who embraced his new role in the NFL and got drawn in by the lifestyles of a WR in a lockerroom with Jimmy Smiths and Fred Taylors playing fast and loose with curfews. Matt was tall, white, and gone in a hurry alot like the piles of nosecandy on his dashboard.

Byron Leftwich- The first of the new wave “swag” dual-threat type QBs. Equal parts Charlie Ward and Aaron Brooks,,Leftwich was probably more cut out for 100 yard dashes than he was 100 yard drives. Usually the “Jungle-to-Jungle” culture shock of any WV graduate getting a job is too much psychologically for them to grasp, but going from WV to FL should of been like a halfway home for Leftwich. Unfortunately for Jacksonville fans the only thing longer than his delivery was the leash Del Rio had him on and it costed everyone their jobs in the end. NOTE: In this whole scenario I was imagining Byron Leftwich was white,, now whos racist?

Reggie Williams- Another disappointing WR for the Big Cats. Reggie and Matt Jones made up the biggest pair of busts in Jacksonville since Prisco cancelled his gym membership because the weights didnt go high enough. You almost have to wonder with 1st round picks like these if Matt Millen was doing some moonlighting as Jacksonvilles GM for some quick cash on his sexpoloitation trips to North Florida. Reggie with his Me-First dreadlocks invented the contract-block where he would fail to maintain hand discipline inside his opponent and do a celebration dance WHILE THE PLAY WAS GOING ON- a act that will one day get him charged with contributing to manslaughter when Ditka has a aneurysm from Julio Jones graffitti tag the goalpost during warmups.


Tennessee Titans:

Chris Johnson aka CJ2YPC- Kind of ironic considering youd sooner expect to find Chris Johnson on Mount Rush-Less. You hear us talk about guys having contract years well he had a contract combine. Ive never seen a guy rely so much on the number 4.2 since Dante Stallworth petitioned to have his BAC ruled inadmissible folks.

Kevin Dyson- Ending up one yard short might be a yearly thing on Farves anniversary night-but when it comes to Superbowl Sunday you find a way to go the extra distance. I’ll say it to you this way,, do you think Jay Novacek would of gotten tackled on the 1? No. Hed of already handed the ball to the official and been halfway to Disney world with his family in the time it took Dyson to pretty much do the sign of the cross and take a knee on the right hash mark.

Steve McNair- I mean come on

Kenny Britt- Itd be easier to list the women Britt hasnt hit with a bottle of hypnotiq in Tennessee nightclubs then to start going through his Rap sheet. Note: If he didnt take all his career benchings like such a pro Id probly include Tim Hasselbeck on here due to his almost record low RPYs (Rings Per Year) of 0.0 spanning a decade and a half in the National Football League. Special thanks to Maurice Loans Drew (great name btw) from the Kommentariat for pointing that out.


Houston Texas:

David Carr- David ate so much turf during his years in Texas that alot of folks could mistake him for Bryant McKinny on a bye week. Its not a excuse though because you know who else gets sacked alot? Big Ben. Except the only time Big Ben threw his linemen under a bus was when he was out ahead of a play laying some unselfish blocks for ol Bettis back there.

The sOilers- Your old team left you because they thought they could do better then you in Tennessee. Even I have to admit Earl Campbell was a heck of a tough guy but judging by his speech the only Crown rule hes been observing these days is “On the rocks, splash of ginger”.

Mario Williams- At the rate hes going Marios going to lead the league in Rings Per Year and not in a good way folks. They took Mario with the number 1 overall pick to be a Reggie White-type player, but they meant to say that he’d get a bronze statue in Canton when they told him hed be a all-time bust.

Jacoby Jones- A guy who goes 3 years without producing then wins the Superbowl gets my Devin Thomas award,, and considering this is Mount Flushmore the only type of word I can use to describe his consistency is “runny”. Getting behind eleven guys from San Francisco after a blackout in New Orleans might be pretty common where you come from but I guess Im just old fashioned.

Thanks for all your submissions, next up we continue barrelling through the AFC with the North so give me your nominations for the Steelers Bungles Browns and Ravens.

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