It took lots of research, but I think I finally have my draft board all set for Thursday. We’re drafting early this year, but I don’t think it should be much of a problem. I don’t see any Portis-type injuries on theâ€¦
OH FUCK!!!!! FRANK GORE BROKE HIS FUCKING HAND!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Oh God. Oh god, what do I do now? I mean, what the fuck do I do now? It took hours just to slot him fourth! And nowâ€¦ now where the fuck do I put him? Does he stay in the Willie Parker tier, or does he drop to the Willis McGahee tier? What if I draft 7th or at some other queer slot? And where the FUCK do I rank him for my keeper league?
Oh, God. I think I’m gonna shit my pants.
What if I have to pick between him and Brian Westbrook? Should I skip both and take a lesser back with no injury problems? But what if THAT guy gets injured and Gore returns to stud form? God, I would hang myself if that happened. Should I take a receiver instead? What if he gets injured? Christ, then I’ll want to commit seppuku.
Relax, Drew. He’s a stud. Remember when you drafted him in the 4th last year? Made you feel like a fucking genius, didn’t it? He’ll come through. Don’t be afraid to draft him. Old Gorey’s still got the magic!
Unless Michael Robinson bogarts his goal line carries.
OH, DAMN YOU, PRACTICE! DAMN YOU TO HELL! FOOTBALL PLAYERS DON’T NEED TO FUCKING PRACTICE! LEARNING ISN’T WORTH THE DANGER, I TELL YOU!
I want all skill position players frozen in carbonite until the season begins. You hear me, head coaches! Quit toying with my potential prized possessions, you Machiavellian fucks!
Maybe his hand will heal in time. Maybe it’s nothing. But God, what if it’s something? What if this impairs his receiving abilities? What if he loses his 3rd down touches? What if he fumbles? Oh God, not the fumbling again. I just can’t take it!
/downs shot of mezcal
Ah, the burning serves as a distraction. Must… not… worry… about… it…
But what if the hand just nags the shit out of him all year long and he’s always Questionable every week? Guhhhhhh. The word Questionable gives me hives. I can’t draft questionable. I must draft fucking definitive!
Maybe I should just take Peyton Manning and roll the dice with Jamal Lewis or something.
/bashes head against wall
/swallows handful of Advil
AHHHHHH, I CAN’T BELIEVE HE BROKE HIS HAND! WHY COULDN’T IT HAVE BEEN MY OWN, GOD?! GAHHHHHHH!!!!
I don’t know why they call it Fantasy football. This is a fucking nightmare.