Welcome to the latest in our 32 part series, Better Know a Football Team.
If the NFL were Hollywood, the 2006 Oakland Raiders would be Snakes On A Plane. Every simpleton (even Sean Salisbury) knows that both are destined to fall flat on their faces, most likely in their opening weekends. At times both the Raiders and Snakes will range from uncomfortable to terrifying. More importantly to our cause, both projects have the potential for levels of humor not seen since the 1980 duo of the Raiders championship and Airplane!.
As always the story of Raider Nation begins with Al Davis, the League’s resident hemmorhoid. The past three seasons have resulted in the Norvian average of 4.3 wins; once again the aged one spun the wheel of NFL coaches. Much like a contestant on The Price Is Right, Davis failed to complete a full spin on his first few tries and missed out on his top choices. With Bob Barker looking on the producers allowed the decrepit Davis to take a default, he was eventually able to retain Art Shell (you remember, he’s the guy that replaced Mike Shanahan, and we all know how well that’s going). He will soon go down as the first coach to begin his initial season on the hotseat.
For those who find the pathetic management of the front office too tragic to laugh at (pussies), I proudly present you Aaron Brooks. Mere words cannot do justice to the sheer majesty of Ron Mexico’s cousin. Before we go further I’d like you to watch this YouTube clip as a friendly reminder of his exploits and future potential.
The bright spot of this franchise is the offensive talent surrounding their new play maker-upper. LaMont Jordan is a proven talent but he’s yet to prove his longevity; combine that with a depth chart thinner than J.E. Skeets, and there could be trouble at times. The real strength comes from the speedy and sure-handed stable of receivers. Although Randy Moss is a pain in the ass he’s got all the talent he needs to carry the offense… but more importantly he’s got a smoothie franchise (I recommend the OG Kush).
Unfortunately for Brad Gilbert and any other Raider fans out there, Jerry Porter is already bitching about his new coach and his role on the team. His future in Oakland is currently in question. A popular option is last year’s injury victim, Ronald Curry. Some of you may know him better as the best football/basketball combo that a Virginia high school has seen since AI’s day. He went on to stab UVA in the back to play quarterback at UNC… where he sucked. Now he will try to join Porter to recreate the dynamic duo that outed Chump Bailey once and for all.
The defense was the obvious cause for concern in the offseason. Despite losing perennial underachiever/injury victim Charles Woodson the Raiders were able to shore up the beleaguered eleven by raiding the Rose Bowl rosters. They acquired two elite college safeties, Michael Huff of Texas and Darnell Bing of USC (apparently they will not be played by Hank Azaria and Matthew Perry despite what you may have heard). Thus far in minicamp the Raiders have been featuring Bing at outside linebacker, another defensive hole as of late.
Oakland is headed for a long season that will be rife with despair, truly the only ecstasy you’ll find in that locker room will come from Sebastian Janikowski’s stash pocket. Their best bet is to share that shit with the guys in the Black Hole and pray they don’t riot.