Hi, folks! I’m Alonzo Spellman, former defensive lineman for the Chicago Bears and mentally unhinged citizen of the planet Xaphox. You might remember me from the time I ripped the phone off a wall in a doctor’s office, or the time I forced a plane to land after trying to dig the spiders out of a stewardess’s shoulder blade! You also might remember me from such successful products as Alonzo Spellman’s Pussy Hook, Alonzo Spellman’s Nail Muffin, and Alonzo Spellman’s Flying Knife.
But folks, I think I may have stumbled on perhaps my greatest innovation yet! We all know just how delicious clowns are. Well folks, now you can get the great taste of clown… IN A BURGER!
That’s right! Alonzo Spellman’s Clown Burgers!
Made with REAL clown meat! We start with all natural, 100% organic clowns!
Please, sir! Don’t kill me! All I wanted to do was bring joy to children in the neighborhood! No, please! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT APPLE CORER?! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Then we grind ‘em right up into juicy, one-pound patties!
You’ve never had a clown burger this thick! Then we freeze them up and ship them right to your door! They’re great for cookouts, picnics, even birthday parties! Kids love them! Don’t you, little Jenny?!
This big, scary man wearing a gray sweatshirt and no pants knocked on our door and made us eat another man he said wanted to live inside our tummies. My mom and I cried a lot. That big, scary man is very scary.
My oh my, Alonzo Spellman’s Clown Burgers sure will get your flower squirtin’! Best of all, they’re all natural. We don’t inject our clowns with any hormones, or feed them their own feces. They’re farm-raised, and farm-slaughtered. And they’re 100% clown! No mime meat!
No mute people meat!
And NO UPS worker meat!
I know people usually think of clowns as perpetrators and not victims. But I tell you, once you’ve tried MY clown burgers, you’ll never accept anything less! Mmmmm… THAT’S GOOD CLOWN!
So if you’ve got a big appetite and you’re ready to feast upon human tissue, please send EXACTLY $3,489,745,089,278,031,892.22 in Greek drachmas only to this address:
The Shed Behind Mrs. Buckley’s House, Where I Am Lying In Wait
Please send me this money in an unmarked envelope that has been heavily sprayed with Roundup. Sinister forces in the Ecudorian government are watching my every move, so I can’t afford to take chances. They’ve bugged my house, my car, my eyes, and the underside of my tongue. As much as I try to scratch, I CANNOT GET RID OF THE TERRIBLE STATIC.
So get your Alonzo Spellman’s Clown Burgers today! The taste is NO JOKE.