Last Week: 3-2-1
Well not a total waste, hopefully. We’ve had some fun, and won a few more than we lost. Plus, there’s always Top Chef and the Playoffs. All of the AFC playoff teams are set, all that’s left to figure out is who plays who, and by how much the Chiefs will lose. The NFC is a lot more interesting, but if I think about the NFC East situation for too long I’ll start puking again. Let’s pick some games.
Baltimore Ravens +3 (-125) at Cincinnati Bengals
The Bengals are the sixth seed no matter what happens. They could even play the Ravens again next week (If they win and the Pats lose). And what a thrill that would be for no one in particular.
New York Giants -7 vs. Philadelphia Eagles
Oh god, I’m going to miss Andy Reid so much. Losing him and his mustache from the NFC East is like losing an uncle.
Denver Broncos -16 vs. Kansas City Chiefs
The Broncos need a win to secure the top seed, while a loss gives the Chiefs the opportunity to screw up the top pick in the draft. With any luck Brock Osweiler won’t start loosening up until Denver is up by three or four touchdowns.
Dallas Cowboys +3.5 at Washington Redskins
America hates America’s Team part 1,742.
Seattle Seahawks -10.5 vs. St. Louis Rams
Seattle can win the division with a win and a San Francisco loss. They play the Cardinals. Oh well, there’s something to be said for an undefeated home record.
Your weekly dose of Top Chef coverage is after the jump.
Quickfire Challenge: They’re harvesting oysters and preparing them for Emeril. And to get there, they’re taking a caravan of Toyotas. GRAY Toyotas. And much like Beautiful Girls, they’ve got apps! This product placement has been brought to you by Reynolds Wrap. Emeril warns the cheftestants that a minute too long could be the death of an oyster. Also the death of an oyster: taking them out of the water, ripping them open and sucking them down your throat. Anyway, Sheldon tries to win my heart with an Old Bay oyster, but Micah wins for his fried oyster. Micah needs the money because he’s a single father. And he’s a single father because he named his daughter Saffron. Also, he may be a closeted gaytestant (spoiler!).
Elimination Challenge: It’s a team challenge. Those always work out well, right? Anyway, Bart teams up with Josie for what will surely be a terrible dish. Bart says that he went with Josie because nobody else wanted to be her partner and something about a challenge. He never mentions that nobody is banging down his giant Belgian door to work with him either. They eventually lose. Shocker. John and Brooke are your winners. John says Brooke makes him think of his middle aged daughter. Because John is old, you guys.
Top Chef Top Nine
Elminated: Bart (Last week: 7)– Goodbye, Bart. Your food was always underseasoned, and you went home because of a shitty dish of forbidden rice and beets. Yum! I guess I should probably check out his restaurant to see if he actually uses salt.
9. Josie (10)– She’s only still here to piss people off. She acted like a total Redskins fan at the rollery derby (got drunk, yelled constantly without knowing what was going on, then called out everybody around her for not doing the same). Then she called Micah gay for some reason. This is why I was screaming “leave her to die” when she got stuck in the mud during the oyster harvest.
8. Josh (6)– I can’t wait for Josie to get eliminated so that I can start rooting for Josh to go the fuck home. He makes shitty food and he acts like a bitch. You know why you’re on the bottom and the “jalapeno popper” that you deride was in contention for the win? Because it looked fucking DELICIOUS. New chef rule: The more bacon t-shirts you wear, the less talented you really are.
7. Micah (9)– Micah grew up in a kosher household because his father was a pastor. Is this a thing? Are there lots of Ned Flanders types out there keeping kosher just in case? Regardless, he won the quickfire, which means a lot because Micah likens preparing oysters for Emeril to Moses meeting God on Mount Sinai. Micah’s dad must be so pissed.
6. Lizzie (8)– Hey, look who finally decided to cook some worthwhile shit. She got some love for her bold oyster dish, then she teamed up with Micah to make the crab stuffed jalapeno. I would do such horrible things to that jalapeno.
5. Sheldon (4)- Sheldon slips another spot because his tempura was poorly executed. Sure it was his dish, but I have to assume that he was thrown off by his proximity to Josh’s mustache. Oh my god, Josh is a hipster Andy Reid.
4. Kristen (3)– My bride was standing right next to Stefan when the cheftestants were told to pair up, so naturally they did so. If they hadn’t cut away to the next pairing you would have seen Stefan humping her leg. Their dish looked pretty nice, but ultimately fell into the mediocre pile.
3. Brooke (5)- She’s turning in to a bit of a rock star. Needless to say, Stefan kissed her at the end of the episode. He is a hero to all men.
2. John (2)– He and Brooke teamed up for the win, and their Thai beef dish looked legitimately awesome. One day you’re going to be able to pay your television to allow you to taste such things. For now my television just sits there while I futilely throw money at it.
1. Stefan (1)– He didn’t do anything to cost him the top spot, and seeing as how John’s win came in partnership with Brooke, things stay put at the top.
Original screencap via Eater because I was too lazy to take pictures of my television like a moron who doesn’t know how to take screencaps.