Last Week: 3-4
The hardest week of the year is out of the way. Anyone who tells you week 1 is easy is an idiot, as I was when I told you that very thing some time ago. Let’s get nuts.
New England Patriots -14 vs. Arizona Cardinals
This is a great week to be going up against Tom Brady in both of my leagues. I hate fantasy football more and more every year.
New York Jets +5.5 at Pittsburgh Steelers
Without question the best part of the Kate Middleton pictures is Prince Willie applying lotion to the royal bum. Did you slip the thumb in there, Willie? OH I BET YOU VISITED THE SUBCONTINENT. THAT’S GOOD HUSTLE!
Baltimore Ravens +3 (-135) at Philadelphia Eagles
And while you’re at it, double down with Mike Vick’s total turnovers at OVER 1/2 (-260).
Atlanta -3 (-115) vs. Denver
Very funny guys, but where is the John Elway tag that goes here?
St. Louis Rams +3 vs. Washington Redskins
This will be the seventh meeting in eight years between the franchises. Why do these two non-rivals play so often? Because they’re both lousy and need another lousy team to balance out their strength of schedule. Convenient!
The last six have been split three a piece, with the Redskins outscoring the lowly Rams 114-112. HAIL TO THE REDSKINS!
Dallas Cowboys -3 (-130) at Seattle
I’d like Seattle so much more if they quit dicking around and started dressing like High Energy. It may not help them hang with Dallas, but they’d be so much more high-flying.
Cincinnati Bengals -7 vs. Cleveland Browns
Over the years I’ve probably picked the battle of Ohio correctly about 30% of the time. That said, I more than make up for it with my skills at Florida or Ohio. Let’s see how you do with a quick pop quiz. To the headlines!
1. [Redacted] teen concocts bogus story after shooting himself in penis, left testicle while cleaning gun
2. Amanda Linscott Pulls Gun On Man While Having Sex In A Moving Car: [Redacted] Cops
3. Police: Woman, boyfriend locked teens in ‘torture chamber’
4. School bus driver gets probation for biting student
5. Johnny Broestler Accused Of Smearing Poop-Stained Underwear In Walter Liddell’s Face
6. Mistrial in [redacted] murder case after lawyer shares pic of suspect’s leopard-print underwear on Facebook
7. Deputy: Woman beats ex with prosthetic leg
Trick question, they’re all Florida. You suck at this too, Ohio.
Horrible Prop Bet of the Week: Will Jim Harbuagh and Jim Schwartz shake hands or hug after the game?
If you must choose, take YES at -500. They’ll make a good show of it for the cameras because both of them came off looking like such schmucks last year.