Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the best football weekend of the year. Plant your ass on your most comfortable couch, chair, or milk crate (for those who lost their other furniture betting on the Eagles) and stay there until midnight. Then wake up tomorrow morning and do it all over again. There’s really nothing that should keep you from watching all four games. Unless of course you’re like me and your future in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Uh oh.
Fortunately all is not lost. I’ll probably miss most of the Ravens game, but that’s practically a blessing. Fuck Baltimore. Of course, I could also miss the end of the Cardinals game. And nothing interesting ever happens in the fourth quarter of their playoff games.
Shit. This never would have happened if I hadn’t developed the courage to talk to girls in the first place. Oh well.
On to the picks, right after an inspirational speech from our old friend Mr. Blake.
Now let’s make some money.
Arizona +7 at New Orleans
Tonight I’m taking the in-laws to the Wizards game. So if this game is close in the second half I’ll probably spend a good part of the first quarter in front of a Verizon Center television. I love Arizona in this game, even if Anquan Boldin’s chances of playing are being called “quasi-miraculous.” I believe that’s what people said that time he came back from the broken face.
Baltimore +7 at Indianapolis
This is my meteor game. That’s how annoyed I’ve been by Colts fans as of late.
San Diego -7.5 vs. New York Jets
Rex Ryan’s magical ride comes to an end. And against to that mealy-mouthed fuck Norv Turner no less.
Larry Fitzgerald: Over 85.5 Receiving Yards (-140) and Over 6.5 Receptions (-120)
Fitz hasn’t gone over either one of these marks since the Week 13 win over Minnesota. One more catch last week would have put him over on both, and I think this is the week he really breaks out.
Enjoy the games.
UPDATE: 0-4. Awesome.