Are you tired of burning oak like some kind of god damn hobo? Then you might want to take part in the hot new trend by ordering some designer birch firewood from Minnesota. The good stuff retails for more than $1 per pound (plus shipping), which is about what Sam Hurd pays for his weed. The best part? “I don’t have to worry about ugly wood.” Thank god. That frees up so much valuable time to worry about your NFL picks.
Last week: 9-6
Jacksonville at Atlanta -11
I am incredibly thankful that the Redskins didn’t draft Blaine Gabbert last year. Now they can draft a quarterback this year. Sorry.
Dallas -6.5 at Tampa Bay
Gob would make a great black sheep in the Garret family.
Green Bay -15 at Kansas City
Romeo Crennel has brought an end to the Tyler Palko era in KC. Bless this man.
Seattle at Chicago -3.5
God will be busy in Denver, so there shouldn’t be any outside forces ruining Marion Barber’s life this week.
Cincinnati -7 at St. Louis
Because the Rams are horrible.
Tennessee at Indianapolis +8
When did the TSA become so fucking cool? And why doesn’t Freddie Gibbs even bother to hide that shit in a bottle of body wash or something?
Miami at Buffalo -1.5
I assume it’s going to be cold in Buffalo. That’s enough for me.
Carolina +7 at Houston
Wade Phillips is recovering from surgery on his kidney and gallbladder. No fat jokes until he’s released from the hospital, please.
New Orleans -7 at Minnesota
When Eric Gordon was traded to the Hornets Drew Brees picked him up at the airport. Al-Farouq Aminu had to settle for a ride on the handlebars on Tiny Darren’s tiny bicycle.
Detroit -1.5 at Oakland
Ndamukong Suh stomped on that Green Bay lineman because the guy kept untying his shoe. If only the NFL had known the real details they never would have gone through with that suspension.
New York Jets +3 at Philadelphia
That’s good hustle, Nacho! Seriously, two women on the same morning? Well done.
New England -7 at Denver
According to SportsCenter, Fathead has sold $50,000 worth of Tim Tebow poster type things in the past two days. Please stop giving Dan Gilbert your money.
Cleveland +7.5 at Arizona
None of you care, right? Good. Here’s the video I was going to post underneath the Patriots game until I saw that shit about thousands of people buying giant acrylic pictures for their sacrilegious shrines.
Why is this not on television yet?
Washington at New York Giants -7
I was thrilled when the Redskins beat the Giants in Week 1. I’ve been a bit conflicted about every other win since then. I really want that top-five pick. If that makes me a bad fan, then fuck you.
Baltimore at San Diego +3
Pittsburgh +2.5 at San Francisco
THAT NOT BEN FOOT. THAT IS ESKELETON.