Welcome, one and all, to a special mid-week edition of Always Be Covering. Today we’ll take a close examination of the Thanksgiving day (and night) offerings while thinking about eating some oyster stuffing from between that cheerleader’s tits. It’s a wonder that people even bother asking me what holiday I enjoy most. What do you think I’m going to say, Christmas? Fuck that. Continue after the jump for a special bet of the week.
Remember, this is a teaser bet, so the first person to tell me I got the line wrong will tarred and featherd. Then shot.
Tennessee -5 at Detroit
For years I’ve been screaming that the Lions have no business hosting the most important regular season football game of the year, and now that they are without a win my dream could come true. We can make this happen in our lifetimes with a little bit of help. All you have to do is NOT WATCH THE FUCKING GAME! I know it’s sacrilegious, but you must entertain your guests without the benefit of the NFL. As always, I recommend porn. Just pray that the Lions lose in typically embarrassing fashion, and pretend it never happened.
Seattle +19.5 at Dallas
Oh god, is this really the day’s marquee game? Shoot me in the scrotum with a pellet gun. Hopefully Dallas can do something to make it interesting. Like TO celebrating a touchdown with 27 pound turkey on his head. Then all the children can watch while a suddenly spry Wade Phillips begins chasing he and the delicious bird all over Texas Stadium with a fork in one hand and his cock in the other.
Philadelphia +3.5 vs. Arizona
Ah, the best game of the day, and an intriguing storyline to boot. Of course most of you will be passed out from all that turkey and whiskey to pay any attention. I myself will be at the oddly scheduled Wizards game while this one is going on. You’ll be able to spot me because I’ll be the one fast asleep by the second quarter.
Enjoy your holiday weekend, and remember, if a loved one tells you to slow down as you stuff your face with your second turkey leg and fifth glass of wine you are morally obligated to tell said concerned party to shut their fucking mouth before ordering them to get you more potatoes.