Last week: 2-3
OK, we’re going in a slightly different direction this week. We’ll start things off with the regular NFL picks, but then we’re going to handicap this season of Top Chef. Why? Because Top Chef is hilarious, it’s an ideal vehicle for gambling. But football first, of course.
San Francisco 49ers -5 vs. Chicago Bears
Who would have thought that both teams being down a starting quarterback would actually benefit the 49ers. Smith has been much better than Catler this year, but now it’s down to Jason “EMVEEPEE” Campbell and Colin Kaepernick. But really, it’s all about which defenses will score more touchdowns. Oh, and f*ck Matt Forte.
Baltimore Ravens -3.5 at Pittsburgh Steelers
Byron Leftwich and Charlie Batch should have to be Pittsburgh’s backup quarterbacks forever, no matter how terrible and old they get. Fortunately, they’ll probably play quite a bit the rest of the way. A hit to BEN’s ribs could kill him, and when asked to rate his pain on a ten point scale he said “THIS MANY,” and held up nine fingers.
Philadelphia Eagles +3.5 at Washington Redskins
Barry Cofield says the key to playing against a rookie quarterback is to avoid complacency. Good strategy, Barry. It’s easy to get complacent when you play on the worst defense ever. And really, what team wouldn’t get complacent playing against a rookie quarterback? Surely not a team that loses to a rookie quarterback EVERY YEAR. Seriously, they are 0-8 against rookies dating back to the Quincy Carter era.
New York Jets +3.5 at St. Louis Rams
Every single ESPN analyst took the Rams, save for Accuscore. BOW BEFORE ESPN’S LONE FREE-THINKING COMPUBOT.
Things get Cheffy after the jump.
Top Chef is in Seattle for their 10th season, and it can’t possibly be any worse than Texas. I will never forgive last season for forcing Videogum’s Gabe Delahaye to pack up his recapping knives and go. His posts were one of my favorite weekly internet reads, and now they’re gone forever because that season was a gondola full of bullshit. Let’s never talk about it again.
This year we started with 21 chefs, lost six in the prelim round, and then added three more in this week’s episode. That leaves us with…
…way too many chefs. Here’s an early look at field, with odds that will change as soon as I can remember who all of them are.
Bart– The eight foot tall Belgian knight believes his nation’s cuisine has benefited from being conquered by everyone else in Europe. Let me just say, it’s about time somebody extolled the virtues of Nazi occupation on a television show about cooking. (4/1)
Brooke– She and Bart were on the losing team this week, but both survived. Contrary to her classically trained Euro-giant teammate, Brooke is adorable and not at all terrifying. She describes her style as “rustic” which means she never went to culinary school and probably makes great mac and cheese. (14/1)
Carla– She won’t win, but she’s the odds on favorite to be the first POW in the history of Restaurant Wars. The line to shove bamboo shoots under her fingernails starts behind everyone. (50/1)
Chrissy– The Bravo website says she’s on the show, but I think they’re mixing her up with somebody from LOLWork. But hey, she didn’t piss off everyone around her or nearly slit her wrist putting her knives away. (7/1)
CJ– He started the episode as a Top Chef alumni judge, but now he’s a contestant. TWIST. CJ is just coming off a stint at the world’s best restaurant, so naturally the first thing he made on the show was a cherry sauce that only a garbage disposal could love. (2/1)
Danyele– She made the executive decision to select a fish she couldn’t even identify for the elimination challenge. Is it salmon? Monkfish? Dolphin? Without a head who can possibly tell? Everyone knows you can only identify a fish by it’s face. (7/1)
Eliza– She wrote a book called Foreplay. Sadly, the subtitle is “A Book of Appeteasers.” So be sure to look for that in the sale bin at your local boarded up bookstore. (5/1)
John– Better known as The Most Hated Chef In Dallas, because he won’t ever shut the fuck up about it. He’s in his mid-50’s, refuses to use his glasses as they were designed, and might just win the whole damn thing. But there’s no way he’s holding on to that other title he embraces so dearly. That’s because next week’s twist is CHEF JERRAL! (1/3)
Joshua– Look at this motherfucker with his jaunty hat and affected facial hair. Not only does he look ridiculous, but he’s already established himself as the person most likely to make the stew room really uncomfortable for everyone. (5/1)
Josie– Another one of the former contestants who is back for a second go. Oh, and apparently she used to play professional football. (3/1)
Kristen– Well yeah, every cooking competition needs a lithe Asian model, right? Her favorite simple winter recipe is something called a financier. She’s either talking about a small french cake, or she fantasizes about spit-roasting the wealthy over an open flame. Weird answer either way. (4/1)
Kuniko– She won both team challenges this week, and was the named the overall winner for her idea to poach fish in chili oil which I will now try to disastrous results. A lot elimination challenge winners get valuable prizes, but Kuniko’s English isn’t very good, so the producers figured they could stiff her. (3/1)
Lizzie– Lizzie is the South African who after one week is just about ready to stop putting up with Carla’s shit. Both of these attributes maker her that much more attractive to me. Now say “Johannesburg.” Slowly. (3/1)
Sheldon– He’s a rising star in Hawaii, and quite possibly one of Steve Zissou’s interns on the Belafonte. This portends well for his future. (3/2)
Stefan– The villain of season 5 is back, and his Nordic accent hasn’t gotten any less evil. Can he Finnish the job this time? Sorry. (1/2)
Tyler– Hey, another football connection! Tyler is the head chef of the Elway’s Restaurant Group in Denver. He’s also worked at restaurants like Citronelle that are not owned by toothy centaurs. (3/1)