Bill Simmons started his Thursday picks column by talking about that one blackjack dealer who keeps grinding out five-card 19’s to edge you out over and over, and how that guy is just like the Atlanta Falcons. Because of course he did.
When you’re ESPN and you have a chance to build a website around a guy who has been playing up the same trope for over a decade you have to do it.
And yes, Grantland can be fantastic at times. And yes, Simmons is having a very good season. And yes, I’m going back to the “make fun of Simmons” well because it’s easy (and fun, too).
Last week: 4-3
Denver Broncos -7 vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Your move, Peyton.
Green Bay Packers -8 vs. Minnesota Vikings
Mason was the fifth most popular name for baby boys in 2012. It would have been higher, but Mason Crosby is weighing it down like a god damn anchor. He’s missed a kick in five straight weeks. That said, Christian Ponder is super derpy on the road.
San Francisco 49ers -7 at St. Louis Rams
Yikes. I would not want to be Jim Harbaugh with an irked Alex Smith roaming the facility. Rumor has it he tipped over an empty Gatorade jug. I mean, he went back and picked it up, but still. Irked.
Carolina Panthers -3 at Kansas City Chiefs
The Chiefs have averaged 10.4 points over the last seven games, which would be somewhat acceptable if it was the 1920’s and they were a college team. It isn’t, and they aren’t. They’re just really shitty. But hey, don’t let that stop you other teams from hiring interim coaches and allowing Scott Pioli to run your organization.
Houston Texans -6.5 at Tennessee Titans
The Texans will be trying to clinch a playoff berth, while the Titans will be trying to avoid crippling chop blocks. Speaking as an Arian Foster owner, let me just say, cripple away.
Jacksonville Jaguars +6 at Buffalo Bills
Cool game, but I think I’d rather watch Alex Morgan do sweaty push-ups on a loop.
Washington Redskins +3 vs. New York Giants
When the Redskins win this one they’ll be 6-6 and one game back in the division race. Then all they have to do is go 3-1 against the old Browns, the new Browns, the flaming pile of carcasses from Philadelphia, and whatever is left of the Cowboys to go 9-7. After that all that stands between them and Super Bowl XLVII is a few playoff games.
This is exactly how everyone in Washington will be thinking on Tuesday morning.
Note: No Top Chef thoughts this week.
/stares daggers at the DVR