Have you been dreaming of fighting robots since you saw the preview for Real Steel? Well tough sh*t, because this is the closest you’re going to get. This pair of $17,000 Bionic Bopper Cars from Hammacher Schlemmer (German for “Unnecessary Purchase”) can be yours if you are over 8 years old and under 300 pounds. Once again, it sucks to be a poor obese kid.
These aren’t robots so much as they are gas powered bumper cars with arms. Still, they’re probably good for a single afternoon of drunken fun.
Last week: 6-8
Philadelphia at Seattle +3
“If Andy Reid isn’t gone by the end of the weekend I’ll be shocked.” -old guy in my office
I’m with him. Let’s start firing god damn coaches already. Nothing livens up the last couple of weeks like a shitty team inexplicably playing harder under an interim coach who has zero chance of getting the job next year.
Tennessee +3 at Buffalo
It’s going to be just like the Music City Miracle only nobody will be watching. Also, no exciting ending.
Kansas City at Chicago -7
Oakland +3 at Miami
Tony Sparano’s one goal should be fucking the Dolphins out of a top-five draft pick. He’ll probably screw that up too.
Cincinnati +7 at Pittsburgh
New York Jets at Washington +3
I turned on the radio this week and the tiny people inside were wondering what would have been had the Redskins gone after Mark Sanchez instead of Brian Orakpo. I’d bet good money that they’d be 4-7.
Atlanta at Houston +1.5
Houston’s quarterback looks much different on television than he does on the books they sell at the grocery stores in predominantly black neighborhoods.
Carolina +3 at Tampa Bay
The last time the Bucs won a game Herman Cain was a viable presidential candidate. Oh god, please don’t start arguing about politics in the comments. Doing so will void any chance of a Sexy Friday post.
Denver at Minnesota -1
I’m confused. Why is everyone does everyone think that Donovan McNabb should do television?
Indianapolis at New England -21
It’s going to be pretty great when Andrew Luck’s agent tells the Colts that they shouldn’t bother drafting him. I know I’d rather sit out a year than play protege to Peyton Manning as he attempts to drag his career forward. Besides, why would the best quarterback prospect since Manning want to be the guy who follows Manning? Fuck that. Force them to trade Manning or the pick.
Baltimore -7 at Cleveland
The Ravens have been playing down to shittier teams all year. I think this is a perfectly reasonable request.
St. Louis at San Francisco -14
The 49ers will clinch a playoff berth, while the Rams will clinch their buttholes in anticipation of the ravaging.
Dallas -4.5 at Arizona
Kevin Kolb returns, no one notices.
Green Bay -7 at New York Giants
If the Giants beat the Packers will Bill Simmons spend the next five years calling it a lucky win?
Detroit at New Orleans -9
Why is Ndamukong Suh’s appeal being heard by Art Shell? Being a former offensive lineman, he should really recuse himself. Assuming the suspension isn’t magically lifted, plan on taking a drink every time they show Suh on the sideline looking like he wants to take a bite out of somebody’s head.
Jacksonville +3 at San Diego
Norv Turner: The NFL’s Buster Bluth.