Welcome to hell week! No actual football, just a lot of people talking about football. Oh, and the Pro Bowl. That’s this week too. Peyton Manning is urging everyone to play hard so that Principal Goodell doesn’t cancel recess next year. It’s a joke, of course. The NFL would NEVER deprive themselves of an opportunity to make money. People watch the Pro Bowl for some unknowable reason, and that means money for the league and it’s players. Why without the tens of thousands he’d get as a winner’s bonus (or the tens of thousands he’d get as a loser’s consolation) Peyton wouldn’t be able to justify building a moat to rival Tom Brady’s.
For now we’ll entertain ourselves with a sampling of the seemingly endless supply of Super Bowl prop bets. For the sake of ease (no, really) I’m presenting this weeks’ post in slideshow form. Click through for the prop bets, and if you’re one of those who doesn’t care about Top Chef recaps and power rankings, feel free to simply skip the last two.
Baltimore Ravens (EVEN)
Pretty simple, really. I believe the 49ers are going to win. The best way for them to do that is to have their asses handed to them for a quarter or so. They’ve been outscored 24-7 in the first quarter during these playoffs, and Jim Harbaugh isn’t the type of coach who would mess with success, right?
Don’t answer that question, Alex Smith. Nobody likes you.
Hey, why not just go ahead and double down on that last one? The odds are pretty solid considering how things have gone in these playoffs.
Both Justin Tucker and David Akers rank in the NFL’s top nine in total touchbacks. Baltimore’s percentage is six points higher than San Francisco’s so that’s something you can root for, I guess. Regardless of who kicks off, there are plenty of reasons to make this bet.
Whoever kicks off should get an extra five yards out of that Super Bowl adrenaline. And whoever receives will probably be terrified of giving the opposition the momentum that comes from stuffing a return at the 15. Maybe. I don’t know. It’s a stupid prop bet.
No no no. Alicia is PERFECT. In fact, Girl On Fire should be the new anthem.
There is a better chance of them showing up on camera wearing a swastika.
Obvious Pick Because The Media Is the Worst…
Ray Lewis 7/1
Receivers. They don’t win it all that often, but they offer up good enough odds to make a $20 bet or two worthwhile.
Anquan Boldin 18/1
Vernon Davis 201
Don’t fall for Michael Crabtree at (16/1). He could go for 120 and two scores, and he’ll still be the guy that was accused of illegal contact.
Torrey Smith (18/1) is also worth a small investment, even though I think Boldin is the better bet.
Yep, these recaps keep getting longer. Some of you don’t care, and that’s totally reasonable. After all, this is a recap of a reality television show broadcast on a cable channel. Yeah, it’s not football, but it’s your own fault for clicking through. For the rest, I hope you enjoy. This is a special week.
Brooke and Stefan talk about Kristen’s elimination and how somebody should have said something and blah blah blah.
Josie feels guilty and starts crying as if that will make everyone not hate her. DROWN HER IN RENDERED DUCK FAT. Lizzie still looks like she wants to jump out the window to get away from the situation.
Katsuya is in the kitchen! He’s a famous/adorable sushi chef. There’s a bunch of fish sitting on ice, and Katsuya tells them to not fuck it up.
Josh doesn’t make a lot of sushi in Oklahoma. He’s from Oklahoma, you know. It’s a simple place known for its bacon, mustaches, and distrust of the Japanese. He says that sushi isn’t something he craves, like, oh say…bacon (by the way, he’s wearing his bacon shirt because where he comes from they only need the one shirt). He decides to make salmon belly with…BACON. I mean, I love bacon, but have a heart attack already, Josh.
Josh asks Sheldon “How’s it going, sushi master.” Sheldon is Asian. He cooks Asian food. Sheldon makes it clear that that doesn’t mean he cooks sushi. Josh is RAYCESS.
Update: I’m kidding, of course. Josh isn’t racist! He’s a seemingly nice enough guy with an unfortunate mustache and an undying love for cured pork belly.
What Sheldon does do is cool ass shit. This time he’s making a garnish of powdered lemon charcoal. That means he’s burning lemons, then throwing them in a blender. LEMON SPARKS.
He explains that you get the lemon notes with a hint of earthiness, but all Josh heard was CHING CHONG BING BONG. Raycess.
KIDDING AGAIN, YOU GUYS! Josh and Sheldon are good friends who share no animosity as far as I know.
Josie says she’s bringing a New England clam chowder feel to her dish. So yeah, she’s still awful at this whole chef thing. I hope this sushi master snaps her neck with a ninja kick (not racist). Instead he says her dish needs more punch. That’s your cue, Padma. PUNCH HER.
Oh my god, he just gave a total Mr. Miyagi sigh after eating Josh’s dish. Seriously, not being racist, it was just like Miyagi sighing at Danielson’s early insolence. That’s the best moment in the show’s history. You bring great dishonor to Oklahoma with your bacon sushi. See, I’m the racist one.
“Oh yes, I see you burned that lemon.” -Sheldon, imitating the sushi master’s manner of speaking. But it’s okay because he’s from Hawaii or something.
Josh and Lizzie are on the bottom because they didn’t know what they were doing. Stefan gets his first win with a yellowtail dish. Brooke seemed like she was legitimately honored to be in contention. Respect.
World’s coolest person David Chang is our guest this week. Oh man, I hope Josh calls him a sushi master.
The chefs are going to a fried chicken dinner for Tom and his super cool chef friends.
The winner gets a year’s supply of Terlato wine, or as Stefan says, three months worth. Because Stefan is a drunken whore.
Everyone talks about how their moms made them fried chicken growing up. I’m starting to think that my mom didn’t love me. Kidding mom, please don’t leave a comment!
Stefan makes a breast joke. Because BREASTS! Sexist.
/spits on Stefan
Josie asks Stefan how to say “kiss my ass” in German. He teachers her, then reveals that it really means “I’m going home next.” Every once in a while you start to see what Kristen liked about this evil fuckhead.
Stefan is making chicken cordon bleu, reminding us that he’s euro-trash.
Ugh, Brooke is making boneless skinless chicken breasts. If she goes home (entirely possible) the season is effectively over.
The chefs jokingly call Lizzie’s chicken Shake ‘n Bake. They like her food, but it’s a plate of chicken tenders that are out-shined by a pile of slaw.
Josie is super proud of her “southern” fried chicken that she serves on a banana leaf. The short guy from Animal says they’d run her out of the south for that shit. He seeks confirmation from Emeril saying that they’d “send her up to New England.” Somebody should really tell him that Emeril is a Masshole masquerading as a good ole boy.
They love Sheldon’s chicken, but he didn’t have enough for everybody. Wolfgang implores everyone to look at his bone. Nobody is going to make a joke out of that? Come on! You guys aren’t nearly drunk enough for this episode. Shame on you, David Chang (or the editors who cut out his dick joke).
Brooke finishes her boneless skinless chicken breasts way too early and decides to keep them warm in the oven before re-frying and serving. Goodbye, Brooke. You were really great and will be missed.
Josh’s buffalo chicken looks amazing. He’s totally winning this thing.
Padma asks Brooke and the guys from Animal if they remember each other. The guys do, Brooke doesn’t. Years ago they interviewed with her to be line cooks and she didn’t hire them. Now they run two of LA’s most popular restaurants. Brooke is embarrassed, and it’s going to be A LOT worse when she serves them reheated T.G.I Friday’s food.
“Hasn’t he already been on Top Chef? You get another chance and you make cordon fucking bleu? It’s a little weird.” -Animal guy
The judges are going to sleep on it, so the cheftestants go back home to smoke cigarettes and express regret over their horrible decisions.
Josh, Sheldon and Lizzie have the top three dishes. Josh gets the win. Legit.
Brooke, Stefan and Josie are on the bottom. Dear god, let it be Josie.
Oh hey, Josie has excuses. That’s new. She should probably blame Kristen’s lingering aura. FINISH HER.
Stefan’s the bullshitter! We were teased with Padma’s cursing last week, and now we get our answer. Stefan was being cute by serving chicken cordon bleu, and nobody was buying his shit. Padma can’t remember the last time she had the dish, but Emeril can. “Two flights ago.” RIMSHOT.
Any of them can go home at this point. They all pissed off the judges in some way, one for serving dried deboned breasts, one for serving a greasy mess, and another for thumbing his nose at the whole challenge.
IT’S JOSIE! PRAISE JESUS!
An earlier version of this recap mistakenly called Stefan racist. Just to be clear, I meant to call Josh racist, although I’m still kind of kidding about that and everything else. Stefan, to his credit, is just misogynisty.
Elminated: Josie (Last week: 6)- No words. Take your pick.
5. Lizzie (5)– Still here! Good for you, Lizzie. Maybe start packing though?
4. Stefan (3)– Lingering and waiting for the right moment to strike. He could be deadly in the finals, or he could screw himself out of the competition before we reach that point.
3. Josh (4)- Josh injected his chicken with brine, then smoked it, then fried it and covered it with hot sauce. Also, he said “danger zone.” So yeah, I’m starting to come around on Josh.
2. Brooke (1)- You can’t totally fuck up something as important as fried chicken and keep the top spot. These power rankings never had any hard and fast rules, but now they have one.
1. Sheldon (2)- All hail the new number one. If he’d made enough of his Momofuku style chicken for everyone he probably could have won. Also, it takes big kahuna balls to serve “Momofuku” chicken to the guy who owns Momofuku.
Last Chance Kitchen: Didn’t watch, but I’m assuming Kristen beat Josie over the head with a commercial grade ladle until Tom stepped in to finish her off.