Record to Date: 5-8-3
Lesson Learned: Buy the damn hook.
Straight to the picks!
Arizona @ Atlanta -6.5
Ken Whisenhunt still has faith in Derek Anderson after last week’s shaky outing. Well yeah, what the hell else is he going to say? He’s pretty much fucked.
Tampa Bay @ Carolina -3
All of those people who tried to tell you that Matt Moore was really pretty good? They’re assholes, and he blows. But the Panthers should still be able to handle the Bucs at home.
Baltimore -2 @ Cincinnati
The Bengals and Patriots should just go ahead and agree to swap Randy Moss and Jordan Shipley. It makes too much sense to not happen.
Kansas City +1.5 @ Cleveland
The Chiefs have playmakers coming out their ass, while Cleveland has…Joshua Cribbs. I’m sure Mike Holmgren will fix everything
Chicago @ Dallas -8
You know who I fucking hate? The Black Eyed Peas. Oh, and Dallas. I fucking hate Dallas too.
Philadelphia @ Detroit +4.5
If you don’t make at least one pick that, at second glance, makes you feel like an asshole, then you’re probably doin’ it wrong. MAJIOTICS!
Buffalo @ Green Bay -13.5
The Bills are going to be every bit as bad as we hoped they could be. And thank god for that.
Miami +5.5 @ Minnesota
Usually we have to wait until the end of the season for Brett Favre to unravel. Not this year!
Pittsburgh +5.5 @ Tennessee
Cortland Finnegan wants to be considered the NFL’s dirtiest player. If he’s serious about that he should line up against Hines Ward on the very first play and throw salt in his eyes.
Seattle +3.5 @ Denver
Hey look, Mike Williams decided to try this time! How novel.
St. Louis +3.5 @ Oakland
Mitchell Hurwitz claims to be about halfway done with a script for the Arrested Development movie, and this poster claims the movie will be ready for release in two years. Hopefully Michael Cera doesn’t go through puberty before then.
Oh yeah, fuck Oakland.
New England @ New York Jets +3
Rex Ryan instituted a new rule in practice this week. Any time a defensive player was called for a penalty his teammates were compelled to do a set of 10 push-ups. After practice Bart Scott tied down Antonio Cromartie while the rest of his teammates beat him with bars of soap stuffed into socks. Rex Ryan loved every minute of it.
Jacksonville @ San Diego -7
Oh man, that’s a terrible pick. Maybe. Eh, it’ll probably be my only win.
Houston @ Washington +3
HOW ‘BOUT THEM REDSKINS? Whatever, offensive touchdowns are overrated.
New York Giants @ Indianapolis -5.5
MANNING BOWL! It’s Peyton vs. Eli and the loser has to change Archie’s diapers when the time comes.
New Orleans -5.5 @ San Francisco
Enjoy the games. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go prepare a giant vat of cheese sauce before the fasting begins. Maybe this year I’ll last more than an hour before I pass out.