Last Week: 10-5-1
Lesson Learned: If you’re going to pick ten winners, you should try to remember to place some bets.
To the picks…
Cleveland @ Baltimore -10.5
Is Jim Zorn ruining Joe Flacco? Hopefully! Still, it’s Cleveland. A two touchdown win should be doable, even if Flacco adds to his interception total.
Cincinnati -3 @ Carolina
It’s Jimmy Clausen’s first start, and he’s going up against a pretty solid pass rush. I know it’s wrong to root for injuries, but don’t act like compound fractures aren’t awesome.
Dallas +3 @ Houston
Best case scenario: Dallas covers, but loses to move to 0-3. Then Jerry Jones reluctantly fires Carnie Wilson and turns the team over to Jason Garret, who fails spectacularly.
Oh, and whatever the over/under is for Miles Austin’s total yards, take the over. Houston’s secondary is going to keep giving up huge numbers.
San Francisco @ Kansas City +2.5
I really like the Chiefs defense, especially at home. Besides, I think I’m going to go ahead and bet against the 49ers whenever they’re giving points. Seems like the reasonable thing to do.
Detroit +11 @ Minnesota
How the hell are the Vikings giving 11 to anybody? They have one touchdown through two games, and Detroit is coming off of consecutive covers to start the season. Stay with them until people stop betting against them.
God, I sound like a fucking asshole. I don’t really know what I’m talking about.
Buffalo @ New England -14
ONLY FARTEEN POINTS? VEGAS DOES NOT RESPECT WELKAH! DON’T YOU WISH TAWWMY BRADY LIVED IN NEEDHAM?
Atlanta @ New Orleans -4
I wanted to pick Atlanta to win this game outright, I really did. God I’m such a pussy.
Tennessee @ New York Giants -3
fiance fiancée (I can’t wait to get married so that I never have to use this horrible word again) is a Giants fan. Sometimes she acts surprised when I openly root against them. I’m not sure why.
Pittsburgh @ Tampa Bay +2.5
Hmmm, apparently I was drunk last night.
Philadelphia -3 @ Jacksonville
The NFL is better when Michael Vick is playing. Sorry Kevin Kolb, but you bore the fuck out of me.
Washington -3.5 @ St. Louis
Maybe now would be a good time to get that running game going. Please.
Oakland +4.5 @ Arizona
First they benched future league MVP Jason Campbell, now they’re telling him to keep his mouth shut. Oh well, Gradkowski gives them a better chance to cover anyway.
Indianapolis -5.5 @ Denver
All day long.
San Diego @ Seattle +5.5
Oh my God, look at this fucking burger.
New York Jets +2 @ Miami
People love to point out how teams traveling to Miami this time of year have to deal with increased heat and humidity. You know where else it’s hot and humid right now? The entire fucking eastern seaboard.
/sweats through pants
Green Bay @ Chicago +3
The Bears look pretty nice right now. I think they’ll put up a winning record in the first half of the season, only to see it all fall apart when Urlacher gets hurt and Cutler starts imploding.
Enjoy the games, and stay tuned for Sexy Friday.