Last Week: 3-1
Stupid Ass Single-Game Parlay: LOSS
SAS-GP Overall: 1-8
About that… All it took was back-to-back 3-1 weeks to get back to .500. Which in gambling is still really really bad.
Stupid Ass Single-Game Parlay of the Week
Detroit Lions -2.5 vs. Miami Dolphins and OVER 43.5
Calvin Johnson is back! This would be huge news for my fantasy football team if I hadn’t drafted Adrian Peterson and Toby Gerhart to be my running backs (I’m terrible at everything). He’ll be welcomed back to action by the dominant Dolphins defense that positively ruined the Chargers last week. Seriously, that was brutal and at times unnecessary. Needless to say, Philip Rivers is my fantasy quarterback. This time they’re up against a Lions team that’s as hot as they are. Both teams need wins to keep up with division and wild card races. When in doubt, I’ll take the team I trust slightly more.
Home Favorite of the Week
Arizona Cardinals -7 vs. St. Louis Rams
Cancel all other bets and just do this one. Four game parlay, all Cardinals -7. Who wants to take my action? The Cardinals are hosting the Super Bowl this year, so they’re bound to blow this special season at some point. Just not this week.
Home Dog of the Week
Tampa Bay Buccaneers +1.5 vs. Atlanta Falcons
Jesus, these teams are a combined 3-13. Ship this shit off to London immediately. Then don’t let any of them back in the country next week. Problem solved.
Road Favorite of the Week
Pittsburgh Steelers -5 at New York Jets
How many more losses do the Jets have to suffer before they fire everyone and trade Geno Smith for a fictional ninth round draft pick? 3-13 might be the best case scenario, but they’ll probably just keep doing the same stuff.
Road Dog of the Week
San Francisco 49ers +5 at New Orleans Saints
The Saints are undefeated at home. The 49ers really aren’t all that great. But look at all of those points. I can’t say no to that. Plus, this seems like as good a time as any for San Francisco to slip out of their funk. Otherwise their chances of catching the Cardinals are basically shit.
Literal Dog(s) of the Week
This is what happens when my cousin takes out his suitcase to pack for a weekend trip.
STARTING TO ROT
Boring pick: Uh…all of them? Let’s just go with Baltimore over Tennessee in this week of hideous mismatches.
Intriguing pick: None. But let’s go with Detroit over Miami, just because.
Pick most likely to result in half of the field being eliminated: Seattle over New York Giants ¯_(ツ)_/¯
Fantasy Matchup of the Week
This week’s fantasy matchup isn’t technically from this week, but we aren’t in the business of passing up good dick jokes. This one comes from the aptly named Ulysses S. Cocksman.
Pro Tip of the Week
Try as I might, I’m probably not going to be able to help you make any money. However, I can offer tips that will help you out in other walks of life. It could be a recommendation on something to read, advice on lighting for your home, something useful I learned on the internet, or, more likely, something about food.
This duck has some interesting ideas.
Note: Don’t kill anyone unless it’s Hitler’s ghost or something.
Send me an email if you would like to submit a Fantasy Matchup or a Pro Tip for future consideration.