Always Be Covering: Wild Card Picks, Seattle Hate and Top Chef

01.04.13 5 years ago 52 Comments

Last Week: 2-3
Regular Season: 51-47-2

It’s Wild Card weekend, and that means anything can happen. The Vikings could lose, or they could get f*cking slaughtered. It could be Ray Lewis’s last game or his SECOND to last game. Crazy times ahead.

Houston Texans -4.5 vs. Cincinnati Bengals

The Texans blew their chance at a bye, and instead limp into the playoffs to face the Bengals. That actually worked out pretty well for them last year, and that was with the T.J. Maxx of quarterbacks. Matt Schaub is healthy this year, so all the better. Granted, it would probably be to their benefit if they went back to that thing where they ran the ball really well. That was always pretty effective in the past.

Green Bay Packers -9 vs. Minnesota Vikings

The Vikings got into the playoffs by upsetting the Packers and costing them a bye. So hey, maybe the Packers are pissed. Regardless, Adrian Peterson has only won once in his career at Lambeau. The last time around he went for 210 yards and they still lost by nine. That means the pressure will be on Christian Ponder to deliver, and there’s no way that won’t be funny to watch.

Indianapolis Colts +6.5 at Baltimore Ravens

It’s so weird to not hate the Colts like I’m used to hating the Colt.s In the Peyton years I rooted against them in pretty much every game they played, unless they were playing the Ravens. Now they have Peyton 2.0 and the negative feelings just aren’t there. What’s especially weird is that my hatred of Peyton seems to have dissipated for the first time since 1994. Maybe it was the combination of the two, or maybe I just haven’t learned to hate the Denver/Peyton pairing yet. I’m sure that will come in time, just like I’m sure I’ll hate Luck and the Colts this time next year.

Washington Redskins +3 vs. Seattle Seahawks

Just a pair of quarterbacks coming off of unprecedented rookie seasons, supported by dominant running games that utilizes a zone blocking scheme. Seattle benefits from a dominant defensive backfield, while Washington has more of a bend but OH MY GOD DON’T BREAK YOU ASSHOLES secondary.Oh, and both teams have key cornerbacks returning from suspension.What I’m banking on is my hope that Seattle’s road struggles will continue. They dropped five road games this year including losses to Arizona, St. Louis, Miami and Detroit.

Oh, and since Matt put together such a handy list of reasons to hate my Redskins, I thought I’d reciprocate with a quick counter.

-Just about every uniform they’ve ever worn has been horrible (those gray alternates are the lone exception).

-Brian Bosworth

-Pete Carroll is the worst.

-TWO of their cornerbacks are/were probably hopped up on something to our one, so they’re the bigger alleged cheaters (maybe).

-Their fans are all just killing time until the Sounders get back on the field.

Continue after the jump for the Top Chef Top Eight.

Quickfire: BOB KRAMER ALERT! Bob Kramer makes some amazing knives and I’m obviously a huge nerd. Kramer demonstrates his worth by slicing through some very thick rope like it’s air, and now I am sporting some rather thick rope.

Obviously this quickfire will involves sharp knives. First the cheftestants break into teams and race to sharpen some dull knives. Pretty good luck for Sheldon, because just minutes ago he opened the show by talking about how he sharpens his knives every day. Good producering, Bravo.

One team is eliminated, and the remaining chefs do some fancy ‘tater paring, which is dumb, because they’re using huge chefs knives instead of the tiny paring kind. Josie cuts herself immediately (not nearly deep enough for everyone’s liking) and is disqualified. Her team gets booted, and the last remaining team goes head to head breaking down and frenching two rabbits a piece. Josh says that rabbits break down just like cats.

Uh…never go in Josh’s basement. Better yet, stay away from him altogether.

Micah CRUSHES those bunnies and he wins himself a real* Bob Kramer knife that he should use to shave off his soul patch. Also immunity, but mostly the knife.

Commercial Break: Shahs of Sunset is still a thing. This is horrifying.

Elimination: Every chef gets a KINDLE FIRE that’s pre-loaded with a video of a memorable moment/dish in Top Chef history. This is great because it means we get to hear Fabio say “Top Scallop” again. It’s been a while.

As for the patented twist, the chefs will healthy dish inspired by the memorable one they’re assigned. The $15 grand in prize money is provided by Healthy Choice, and the winning dish will be doomed for a microwavable tray in the near future. This sponsorship is probably for the best, because turning the famed Voltaggio/Isabella pork belly dish into an inexpensive tablet would have been way too hard.

Elminated: (Last week: 2)- John Another chef done in by shitty risotto. He didn’t want to make excuses, but he couldn’t find a flat bottomed pot, a huge batch of healthy risotto is impossible to make and he lost his glasses (they were on his head). He had a chance for survival (twist!) by making a healthy version of CJ’s shitty pickle-topped burger, but screwed that up to. Oh, and he stole all of Lizzie’s dill then ranted about how he could have kept all of the pickles for himself and presented them to the judges in a jar. They would have loved that. It’s a bummer that John is gone, but at least he’s going down in flames.


7. Lizzie (6)– Lizzie served old, smelly scallops and she’s still on the show. This show is the worst. But at least she owned up to it unlike Pete Carroll with his oopsie fake punt. OK, Pete Carroll is the worst. Followed by Josie. Followed by this show.

6. Micah (7)- Micah made smoked duck with miso polenta. Apparently I missed the miso twist, because everybody seemed to be featuring the ingredient. Is miso paste healthy? Wikipedia says some believe it helps in cases of radiation poisoning. Good news for guest judge Mike Scioscia, I guess.

5. Josh (8)– Josh got what I always assumed was the best dish in Top Chef history (that aforementioned pork belly), and totally redeemed his earlier failures. Well done, you freaky cat slaying freakshow.

4. Sheldon (5)- I actually thought his beef carpaccio looked pretty good. Everyone else seemed to think it was dog food. I’ll defer to Wylie Dufresne on this one, but I still like Sheldon and his obsessively sharpened knives.

3. Stefan (2)– All of the face cream in the world won’t make Kristen love you, fancy boy.

2. Brooke (3)- Brooke’s salmon dish looked perfect (even without creepy food photographer tricks), but for true authenticity Stefan should have stolen her pea puree.

1. Kristen (4)– Kristen wins again. She is the best. Her lightened-up version of crazy pants Carla’s pot pie is a perfect plate of food that will translate horribly to frozen foods aisle. Good luck figuring out a way to make poached chicken with carrot puree and a garlic and tofu emulsion that doesn’t turn out like one of Spilly’s creations, Healthy Choice scientists. They should just give up and make it a regular shitty pot pie.

Last Chance Kitchen: It’s CJ vs. John, but I didn’t watch. Apparently you can also save a chef by voting. I hereby vote for Kuniko. #TeamKuniko

Next week: Restaurant Wars! With a twist! Everyone gets their own restaurant and Danny Meyer gets to tell all of them that they suck and to stay outta New York because that’s his town, damn it.

Original screencap via Eater.

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