Welcome to the latest edition of the ABC’s of Degenerate Gambling. Are you interested? I know you are, because it’s fuck or walk. You cover or you hit the bricks. Each week I’ll highlight a selection of games that I find particularly enticing for some reason.
While I may (or may not) be a confirmed genius this remains a humor site. Anybody that takes my advice too seriously deserves the fate of Tessie Hutchinson.
What a turnaround this should be from Week 2. Last Sunday was all about double digit lines and generally crappy football games. This week should test our mettle, lots of tight lines a shitload of early must wins. You won’t see me risking my money on games like Carolina/Tampa because I have no idea which one “wants it more” (unless the “it” in question is a backrub from Ronde…then I’d take Simms and co.). Instead I’m sticking with what I know to be true.
Chicago -3 @ Minnesota
If you haven’t been betting heavily on the Bears already you’re already playing from behind. However it’s not too late (seriously…stop crying and get that bookie on the phone). The Vikings are destined for fall akin to Roy Anderson after Pam dumped his box-hauling ass.
St. Lou +4.5 @ Buzzsaw
I’m not a huge fan of this game but that line just feels like it’s off by two points. How is Arizona going to stop Stephen Jackson? I’d be surprised if they could contain Latoya. I’ll probably end up teasing this with the over when it’s all said and done.
Denver @ New England -6.5
We’ve got three great things going for us in this game. As you may remember I have an affinity for 6.5 point lines. Throw in other variables like “Patriots playing at home” and “Jake Plummer ” and it becomes pretty clear. The Pats are going to wax Shanny’s bitches before they can sweep the leg. (this is all void if Shanny grows a pair and yanks Plummer before halftime).
Crackmore -6.5 @ Cleveland
Is Vegas serious? If I were a bookie (I’M NOT) I wouldn’t even take action on this game. Cleveland hasn’t been able to move the ball with consistency and the Ravens D is back at their peak. I know Ed Reed and Ray Lewis have to show love to Winslow because of the U connection but I’m sure they’ll leave him searching for…HUGH!!!
Philly -6 @ San Fran
They’ve gotta stop giving these spunky road dogs so much damn credit. After last week’s debacle I fully expect Donovan to “pick up every stitch” and finish off these Nazis before halftime (and this time they’ll stay finished off). After watching Frank Gore rise out of the ashes like a Phoenix I expect to see him fall back to Earth faster than the Challenger against Philly’s front seven.
Atlanta -3 @ New Orleans (IN NEW ORLEANS!!!!)
Even Ray Nagin thinks this line is a bit soft. Yeah the Saints have been awesome and it’s great to see them playing well. I can’t wait to see them take the piss-soaked field and play their hearts out for the faithful fans (even that shithead Archie “Joseph of Nazareth” Manning). None of this takes away from the fact that Atlanta is far more talented all over the field. Am I really supposed to believe that Brees and Bush are going to play above themselves because the game is in New Orleans? Fuck that, this is football not fucking baseball.
Wow, I just made light of Katrina, the Challenger tragedy, and Jesus Christ in the same paragraph…I’ve gotta fit all these in before Yom Kippur.
That’s all for me this week, I’m sure somebody will be around to entertain you on Sunday (like you need any more entertainment you greedy motherfuckers). I’ll be out of contact but you’ll be in my prayers (not really). Now I’m off to gorge myself on Apples and Honey!